Adonai, I would make you a perfume of my own heart. I would turn it velvet, rose, rubies and musk. I would ground my own soul, burnt with fire, to make some sweet ash. The aromatic incense I would offer before your throne and with it a new song, all my love in the sweetest melodies.
Please accept my offering and draw me closer into your secret, hidden, soul, deep inside your infinite loveliness and vast perfection. Cas
She went to God in her secret heart,
And shared with God her secret parts.
She drew her bow and shot secret darts
And longed to pierce God’s secret heart.
When God she found, she fell in fear,
For God is frightening if you come too near.
Instead of arrows he uses a spear
And he pierced her heart through her soul full clear.
It is as though the world is a popcorn kernel in an ever heating pan of oil and any day now, pop! The signs are so plentiful it’s overwhelming. Please hold my frightened heart in your mighty hand Lord. Cas
There’s terrible emptiness inside me. When I feel you very close, it is filled. I long to have it filled all the time.
Why do I still feel the need to seek if I have found? Why is my heart still knocking if you have opened to me, Lord?
Why am I still asking, if I am truly receiving, all the fulness that is my portion? If I am, please increase my portion.
I seek to besiege the very heart of God. Oh, mighty God of all, I love you. Cas
Yesterday I had a time of feeling so close to God. It felt like I was laying in His arms, safe from all the universe and time and space itself. It was the most beautiful moment since I have been on medication. I know I need to be careful and live in the ordinary now and relax and stay mentally well.
I shall keep listening to the Bible and praying and seeking and trying to be patient and content. To love God calmly is a challenge. I keep pushing: running like it’s a desperate sprint to the finish line, a fierce competition to win the hand of the King.
“Only one life to offer, Jesus my Lord and King. Only one heart to offer and of his praises sing.”
Will I be able to continue to write you letters in Heaven Lord? Will I still be able to have a personal, one on one, intimate relationship with you? I worry I will be lost in the crowd and never alone with you again. I would sacrifice all of Heaven to be alone with you awhile. It is you I love, not the safety or pleasure of the rescue. Yes, I long for the Rapture, but I long for you more.
Please at least let me have pen and paper so I may continue to write long love letters to you until after the tribulation and Christ’s return. Then maybe in the 1000 year millennium reign if you have time we could meet up for coffee? Cas
Lord, perhaps when we reach Heaven, I will realise it was unnecessary to ask. I will find all my longings were ‘silly little girl’ dreams. There is a very real chance that when I actually see you, face to face, I will be terrified. I may be so in awe that I will never ask such presumptuous things again. But I feel it would be a shame not to ask now. From this distance, while I feel brave enough. Just on the off chance that my words and longings might please, or flatter, or amuse you. That I might in some way, give you pleasure.
I don’t know if I will get to write you letters in Heaven? I’m unsure if it is a sin to seek to know you as I do now? Maybe in Heaven, such familiarity will be impossible? Cas
Please LORD accept my passionate, undying admiration. You are the most mysterious, delicious being in all the universe. I long to be your friend. I want to discover your secrets. Who are you when no angels or humans clutter your view? Are you always thinking like a king, or are you sometimes just a man who happens to be God?
Before the creation of Heaven and earth who were you then? I know you are the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, and you are all that’s in between, but before the Alpha and after the Omega, in that brief eternity alone, who were you then? For it is you without all your creation that I long to comfort. Cas
I long to love you always, so I ask to love you now.
God and I before the world began, by faith, I love Him then. Cas
Last night I had a deep talk with God, or maybe it was just an intense crying out to the Lord. Is God personal? Can we truly in all cold-hearted, clear-headed sanity, have an interactive relationship with the Holy Spirit, the Lord Jesus Christ and Father God, the great creator of the universe?
I know I will keep seeking, knocking, asking, longing, pleading, begging, for all of my life. There is a bottomless pit of need inside me. Medication can mask that to some extent, but it’s still there.
‘Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how often I would have gathered you under my wings.’
I long to be gathered under God’s wings and held in His mysterious love, safely hidden from the fearful, crumbling world. Cas
I need to be washed with the WORD even if I struggle to make sense of it all. I need GOD, not insanity. I want to have a relationship with God that is fulfilling and alive. Cas
I long for the RAPTURE! It is a twofold longing. I pray Jesus raptures us for LOVE, all for love. Yet, perhaps it is already too late for that because we need rescuing? The world is frightening and falling and failing. Will the Rapture happen for love? Or because the world is ripe for the great and terrible tribulation?
Either way, why ever, God finally says: “Now! Go my Son and rapture your church! It is time! Blow the trumpet! Away to the clouds!”
I can’t express how much I long and yearn and beg for that blessed day when the roll is called up yonder and we, the Bride of Christ, are with the LAMB of God at the marriage supper. Cas
I don’t know how to explain, or if it’s a good thing or not, but I have been having some amazing talks with God. Well, any conversation with God in this medicated life is amazing. I need God more than air. He challenges me and thrills and intrigues me. I love Him immensely. He is my everything.
Don’t ask me why but the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is in my head: “Oh Chitty, You Chitty…Chitty Chitty Bang Bang we love you…” “Truly Scrumptious, Though we may seem presumptuous…” Is the Lord my Father or my suitor? These are the questions? Cas
There is so much I don’t know about myself. Things are different post hospital on medication. I am in a new place, where once again I look forward to going to bed in the hope I will catch a glimpse of the divine. Here’s hoping. Cas
I don’t know what scares me more? That God will answer when I pray or that he won’t? Either I’m alone or insane. Is God indwelling me and communicating with me or not? Am I alone? I want God and an existential, passionate relationship with Him. I need God! But that’s the thing though, am I making it up because I want it so badly? Cas
This afternoon I listened to more of the book of Matthew. The Bible is a funny thing. It works in us on so many levels, there’s the story, the deep moments and other things that don’t make any sense. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my relationship and connection with God, but the Bible says:
Seek, and you shall find! Knock, and it will be opened unto you! Ask, and you shall receive!
Surely if I keep earnestly seeking God, He will give me some connection back? I need God more than air. I think I will just write and write until I find my way back to the majestic company of my divine Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I might be insane with spiritual longing, but that’s not all bad. “Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.” Psalm 119:2
“Alice doesn’t have to chase the white rabbit to still want to explore wonderland.” Cas