Tag: faith

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Day 9: The Blue Notebook

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Lord, perhaps when we reach Heaven, I will realise it was unnecessary to ask. I will find all my longings were ‘silly little girl’ dreams. There is a very real chance that when I actually see you, face to face, I will be terrified. I may be so in awe that I will never ask such presumptuous things again. But I feel it would be a shame not to ask now. From this distance, while I feel brave enough. Just on the off chance that my words and longings might please, or flatter, or amuse you. That I might in some way, give you pleasure.

I don’t know if I will get to write you letters in Heaven? I’m unsure if it is a sin to seek to know you as I do now? Maybe in Heaven, such familiarity will be impossible? Cas

Face to face with Christ my Saviour
Face to face, what will it be?
When with rapture I behold Him
Jesus Christ who died for me?

Face to face I shall behold Him
Far beyond the starry sky
Face to face in all His glory
I shall see Him by and by!

Only faintly now, I see Him
With the darkling veil between
But a blessed day is coming
When His glory shall be seen.

Face to face I shall behold Him
Far beyond the starry sky
Face to face in all His glory
I shall see Him by and by!
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Day 8: The Blue Notebook

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Please LORD accept my passionate, undying admiration. You are the most mysterious, delicious being in all the universe. I long to be your friend. I want to discover your secrets. Who are you when no angels or humans clutter your view? Are you always thinking like a king, or are you sometimes just a man who happens to be God?

Before the creation of Heaven and earth who were you then? I know you are the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, and you are all that’s in between, but before the Alpha and after the Omega, in that brief eternity alone, who were you then? For it is you without all your creation that I long to comfort. Cas

I long to love you always, so I ask to love you now.

God and I before the world began, by faith, I love Him then. Cas

Revelation 1:5-8
“Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood,
And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.
Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen.
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.”
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Day 6: The Blue Notebook

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Last night I had a deep talk with God, or maybe it was just an intense crying out to the Lord. Is God personal? Can we truly in all cold-hearted, clear-headed sanity, have an interactive relationship with the Holy Spirit, the Lord Jesus Christ and Father God, the great creator of the universe?

I know I will keep seeking, knocking, asking, longing, pleading, begging, for all of my life. There is a bottomless pit of need inside me. Medication can mask that to some extent, but it’s still there.

‘Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how often I would have gathered you under my wings.’

I long to be gathered under God’s wings and held in His mysterious love, safely hidden from the fearful, crumbling world. Cas  

Under His wings I am safely abiding;
  Though the night deepens and tempests are wild,
Still I can trust Him, I know He will keep me;
  He has redeemed me, and I am His child.
 
Under His wings, under His wings,
  Who from His love can sever?
Under His wings my soul shall abide,
    Safely abide forever.

Under His wings—what a refuge in sorrow!
  How the heart yearningly turns to His rest!
Often when earth has no balm for my healing,
  There I find comfort, and there I am blest.

Under His wings—oh, what precious enjoyment!
  There will I hide till life’s trials are o’er;
Sheltered, protected, no evil can harm me;
  Resting in Jesus I’m safe evermore.

by William Orcutt Crushing  (1823-1902)

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Day 5: The Blue Notebook

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I pray for the peace of Jerusalem. 

I need to be washed with the WORD even if I struggle to make sense of it all. I need GOD, not insanity. I want to have a relationship with God that is fulfilling and alive. Cas

I long for the RAPTURE! It is a twofold longing. I pray Jesus raptures us for LOVE, all for love. Yet, perhaps it is already too late for that because we need rescuing? The world is frightening and falling and failing. Will the Rapture happen for love? Or because the world is ripe for the great and terrible tribulation?

Either way, why ever, God finally says: “Now! Go my Son and rapture your church! It is time! Blow the trumpet! Away to the clouds!”

I can’t express how much I long and yearn and beg for that blessed day when the roll is called up yonder and we, the Bride of Christ, are with the LAMB of God at the marriage supper. Cas

Psalm 119:9 “Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way?
by taking heed thereto according to thy word.”
Psalm 122:6 “Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee.”
1 Corinthians 15:52 “In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”
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Day 4: The Blue Notebook

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I don’t know how to explain, or if it’s a good thing or not, but I have been having some amazing talks with God. Well, any conversation with God in this medicated life is amazing. I need God more than air. He challenges me and thrills and intrigues me. I love Him immensely. He is my everything.

Don’t ask me why but the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is in my head: “Oh Chitty, You Chitty…Chitty Chitty Bang Bang we love you…” “Truly Scrumptious, Though we may seem presumptuous…” Is the Lord my Father or my suitor? These are the questions? Cas

There is so much I don’t know about myself. Things are different post hospital on medication. I am in a new place, where once again I look forward to going to bed in the hope I will catch a glimpse of the divine. Here’s hoping. Cas

I don’t know what scares me more? That God will answer when I pray or that he won’t? Either I’m alone or insane. Is God indwelling me and communicating with me or not? Am I alone? I want God and an existential, passionate relationship with Him. I need God! But that’s the thing though, am I making it up because I want it so badly? Cas

Romans 15:13
“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.”
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2nd October: The Blue Notebook

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This afternoon I listened to more of the book of Matthew. The Bible is a funny thing. It works in us on so many levels, there’s the story, the deep moments and other things that don’t make any sense. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my relationship and connection with God, but the Bible says:

Seek, and you shall find! Knock, and it will be opened unto you! Ask, and you shall receive!

Surely if I keep earnestly seeking God, He will give me some connection back? I need God more than air. I think I will just write and write until I find my way back to the majestic company of my divine Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I might be insane with spiritual longing, but that’s not all bad. “Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.” Psalm 119:2

“Alice doesn’t have to chase the white rabbit to still want to explore wonderland.” Cas

Matthew 7:7-9
“7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”
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1st October: The Blue Notebook

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I long for the Rapture still, even on medication. There is an aching, longing, yearning, more than just hoping, that the Rapture will come. Still, I carve COME 4 ME on the cave walls of Heaven in the desperate hope, the God of mercy will send His Son Jesus Christ to Rapture all the church and rescue us from the tribulation to come. Cas

Lord, I am lonely. I long to be able to have deep and beautiful conversations with you. Medication makes me numb. I can’t feel you. I miss the existential love affair we used to have. Cas

I find being on medication is like having the inside of me, hollowed out. I wish I could go off medication and have deep and meaningful thoughts and interactions with God, myself and the universe. The inside of me feels so empty.

I am lonely for my imaginary friends. I don’t want to trigger my mental illness. I don’t want to be delusional and end up in the hospital again. But I also hate this emptiness, the silence, the loneliness. All my imaginary friends are gone, my mind palaces are rubble, and the white rabbit is so calm it’s gone to sleep. I haven’t seen Aslan for a year. Cas

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18
“16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.”
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The Blue Notebook

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Introduction:

I asked God what project I should do next for October. He miraculously told me to post this notebook. It is a prayer written over a few months in 2015 as I was trying to come to terms with my diagnosis and medication. I felt like this was too private, but one night while the house was empty, I read it all out aloud. As I went along, I felt God tell me to mark different places. When I got to the end, God said ever clearly, ‘Now count the sections’. I did, and there were exactly 31 sections for the 31 days of October. I was overwhelmed; it was a profound and miraculous moment for me. What are the chances? So, for you, Lord, I share with the world, The Blue Notebook.

The actual blue notebook.

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Day 28: The Circus

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The Circus
Cas Reeves 2020
 
I can barely walk the path before me.
I stumble, and I fall, and then I crawl.
Like pictures torn from a yellow book,
My thoughts are dark, but still, I look.
My mind is like performance art,
A circus troop that’s full of glee
Dancing in the big top that’s me.
Where’s the clown?
I see the acrobats move faster.
The girl standing on the horse
And the ringmaster.
Nobody is selling popcorn anymore.
The monkey lost his jacket long ago.
And the little girl who’s only three
Who thinks that she is me
Rides on her Pa’s shoulders once again.
If I had everything, I’d still be poor
But I’m as rich as I can ever get
Because I live life over and over
With a little girl who can’t forget.
My mind is like performance art..… This was the poem that inspired me to do this project. It takes my dissociative identity disorder and makes, at least a part of it, into something transformative and beautiful. At the core of my illness is that little girl seeking protection and healing. Learning that God loves all of me and letting myself accept that love is a huge step towards better mental health.
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Day 27: Enraptured

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Enraptured
Cas Reeves 2005
 
God and God alone
He holds my heart
With His still small voice.
His smile shining into my spiritual eyes.
Transcending human love
He enraptures me.
Divine beyond perfection
And to perfection and beyond.
He is so good to me.
I fall in love anew,
I run to Him with all of me,
The black and red and all my darkness
Offered to His light.
I am his,
Layer upon layer for His own.
He is and so I am.
Such joy He gives
In place of grey despair.
There are moments of joy when I feel close to God and my illness takes a backseat. All my brokenness and darkness are offered to God’s light. There are days when I feel whole and all of that is because of my faith in God. The healing and wholeness I do experience is a gift from my Heavenly Father. He enraptures me and gives colour in place of the grey.