Sometimes you need someone to give you a gentle shake. Just a few words of encouragement can go a long way. My friend Sandra gave me that this week and I am so grateful. Here are two poems I wrote a few weeks ago. I don’t feel like a ‘good’ Christian. I feel very flawed and lost in the fog of medication but there are small moments of clarity. It is God who is ‘good’ not me, it is by grace we are saved, not works. I hope these poems might be a blessing.
Author: cherylcasreeves
I'm a 46 year old Christian married mother of two young adults who I had the honour of homeschooling for 12 years. My husband Rodney and I live in Brisbane Australia. I am creating this space to share, as God leads, some of my writing and experiences living with schizoaffective disorder and pursuing a deeper healing relationship with God.
Taking one more step by faith
Today it was a challenge to record these poems. I haven’t been sleeping well, my mind seems to think going to bed is the signal to start planning out how to change the world or take on a new career or renovate my childhood home and turn it into a retreat. Wonderful thoughts to contemplate but not helpful when you need to go to sleep. Thank you for taking the time to share my journey, we are all imperfect works in progress, how precious is it that our God loves us just as we are.
The Journey Continues
This week has been a series of panic attacks. I have been really struggling and spent all day yesterday in my pyjamas refusing to to face reality or behave like an adult. I had my first appointment with a new psychologist on Friday. She was lovely but the stress of going over my history and diagnosis is profound. Anyway I have picked three poems to share and I hope they might be a blessing to you. Listening to them read back to me by me, is strangely moving. I know how much heartache and desperate searching and deep gut wrenching pain is behind these simple earnest words. I hope they will be a blessing to someone.
A New Poem
Daring To Share
I have been trying to get the courage up to actually record one or two of my poems and post them. I find people connect with what I am trying to express so much more when they hear it rather then just reading it. It feels like a a scary leap of faith but I got brave enough this morning, with my mum’s encouragement, to record these two poems I wrote recently. The move to a new house and the fact that I am having to see a new psychologist and psychiatrist are all things that are playing on my mind. I run to God and throw myself into his arms once again.
The Prayer of a Medicated Soul
By Cheryl Reeves 14-9-2022
Oh Lord my God
When I just try to focus
How thick the fog
That makes my windows white.
I cannot see,
Or hear you voice
Inside me.
I am so lost,
I beg you
Melt this frost.
And lift me up
From broken couches hiding,
Give me the strength
To let myself cry.
Let me with honest
Eyes wide open,
See who I am
And feel the pain I feel.
Let me be one,
As you are with your Son.
That all my parts
Share with me one heart.
Forgive me Lord
For tangents and for hiding
In endless woods
Of social media.
I long to change
To grow and be alive.
Able to move
To walk and not to fall.
To be the woman
I know that I could be.
Lord, come closer
And clear the fog for me.
How do I love you
As I would?
How do I eat and sleep
As I should?
Am I alive
To follow my own path?
Or am I here
To learn to love You true?
It’s Time To Try
We are moved and settled at our new rental home at Beachmere. It’s beautiful and I feel very blessed.
I really want to make the most of this new start. Isaac has moved out ready to make his new life with Shaylin. They get married in December. Rodney and I are now officially empty nesters. I’m missing Isaac but it is nice to have the house all to ourselves, (well not really, we have Judah Isaac’s cattle dog and he is a personality not to be ignored. I am so so glad we have him, I think i would be very lonely without him.) This afternoon we took him for his first beach walk, he wasn’t particularly impressed.
So I have decided to be brave and once again try to lose weight. This is a stressful and emotionally charged issue, I think this is probably the case for a lot of us who battle with our weight. I am going to blog about it because it is very much connected to my mental health and maybe sharing will help and encourage someone else. I have had prayers and tears and deep conversations with serval people including my doctor and psychologist. I have started using the Noom App and I have an appointment with a dietitian on Saturday.
I’m not really sure of my goals yet but stay posted.
Unpacking
It’s like a precious ritual to unpack my pictures and make a place for them. We are moved. This is our space to rest now.
Moving at last!
Moving at last
So blessed that God has provided us with a rental and we are able to move at last. I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband to help me. We are looking forward to our new life at Beachmere as empty nesters. Hoping to record this new adventure here in my blog,
Cheryl Reeves Writing - from my shelves of journals 