Day 26: The Blue Notebook

Day after day I will come to you……

I wish I could find a way to pump your own exquisite Holy Spirit into the very ink upon this page. I would that the Great High Priest, the LORD JESUS CHRIST, would personally offer my words to you oh Great JE-HO’-VAH!

“Awake my love! Awake and hear what the Spirit says! What the Son says! She loves You. She loves You with all her broken humanity. Smell the sweet scent of her adoration.” Cas

Don Francisco Beautiful To Me – YouTube
http://www.youtube.com › watch


The crowds were in the streets that day when Jesus came To town
All the synagogue was there and more from miles around
So I asked him home to dinner just to see what I could See
Of this famous local prophet from here in Galilee
And I don’t know just how that woman got into the room
But you couldn’t miss her gaudy clothes and her strong And sweet perfume.

She went straight to Jesus’ feet and stopped and stood Right there
Then cried and wet His feet with tears and dried them With her hair.
Now of all the women in my town none was more well Known
For the flagrant sin she’d lived in and the wickedness She’d sown.
But He didn’t move to stop her — seemed this phophet Couldn’t tell
That the woman who was touching Him was the kind they Buy and sell.
And I had no idea just what this Jesus planned to do
When he said “Simon, there’s something I need to say to You.”
So I said “Teacher, if it’s on your mind then tell me What you will.”
But as He began to speak to me the room grew quick
ly Still
He said “Take a good look at this woman now, in spite Of all her fears
She’s kissed me and anointed me and washed my feet with Tears.
She’s honored me and you’ve been only rude to me Instead.
You gave no kiss of greeting, no anointing for my Head.”
And her sins were red as scarlet and now they’re washed Away.
The love and faith she’s shown is all the price she has To pay

For the depth of God’s forgiveness, it’s more than you Can see
And in spite of what you think of her, she’s beautiful To me
Now my anger flamed to hatred, I wanted nothing more
Than to take this prophet by the throat and throw Him Out the door
To act like God, forgiving sins, and then speak so to Me.
This itinerant from Nazareth in backwards Galilee.
But instead I sat and trembled, shaken to the core
The woman still was weeping as she knelt there on the Floor
Jesus turned to her and said, “Your chains have been Released
Your faith has saved you from your sins, rise — walk In peace.”
Your sins were red as scarlet but now they’re washed Away.
The love and faith you’ve shown is all the price you Have to pay
For the depth of God’s forgiveness, it’s deeper than The sea
And no matter what the world may think, you’re Beautiful to me.

Day 25: The Blue Notebook

I try to see myself as a woman before you. I am 39 but it’s hard. I would offer you my heart that still feels young. My young heart laughing and full of art and colour, a sparkling fountain of endless possibility and frighteningly submissive tendencies.

I would kneel before you. I would sit at your feet. I worship you. I long as no one but a woman, truly, desperately in love can long. Be not far from me but incline your ear to me Lord, I beg you. Cas

If you were a loin, I would be a lioness. If you hear me roar in the night, come to me. Cas

Psalm 96:9-11
“9 O worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness: fear before him, all the earth.
10 Say among the heathen that the Lord reigneth: the world also shall be established that it shall not be moved: he shall judge the people righteously.
11 Let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad; let the sea roar, and the fulness thereof.”

Day 23: The Blue Notebook

I have a theory that the words and love I can offer now in my broken and imperfect humanity are of great value. The offering I make here stands eternal, a testament to my true love for you. So I build up my treasure in Heaven that I may even then have a crown to lay continually at your perfect feet. Teach me, oh Lord to increase your favour.

I beg of you eyesalve so I may see as you would have me see. Cleanse me and purify me and clothe me in white raiment, make me a pleasing offering. I am not lukewarm! I burn for you! I boil! I am steam, and there is fire in my eyes and hair.

Look upon me Oh LORD my GOD and soften your heart towards me. Knock upon my door and I will open all my heart, and life, wide to you. You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship you. Cas

Matthew 6:19-21
“19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

Day 14: The Blue Notebook

It’s hard to know what you desire of us? I try to obey your commands and do the ordinary things. I try to pray ordinary prayers, but my heart yearns to make extraordinary promises. I would vow vows and rend my heart in two. Somehow turn my blood into ruby stone and offer it as red fruit to your perfect lips.

‘Oh, soul of my soul’ it cries out in hope and longing, gasping for divine air, grasping at distant possibilities of passion. ‘Love, my love! No one need ever know how much I love you, just please, I beg you, let me love you with all my desperate throbbing heart. Please do not turn me away.

May the offering of my heart be acceptable in your eyes. May angels step aside to let my love through to you. May your Holy Spirit scent Heaven with the perfume of my peculiar love for you.’ Cas

Joel 2:13-15
“13 And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the Lord your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil.
14 Who knoweth if he will return and repent, and leave a blessing behind him; even a meat offering and a drink offering unto the Lord your God?
15 Blow the trumpet in Zion, sanctify a fast, call a solemn assembly:”
Psalm 19:14
“14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight,

O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.”

Day 11: The Blue Notebook

I am like a baby in the womb trying to understand the mechanics needed to send a satellite into space. I haven’t got a clue. Please forgive my ignorance and love me still.

“Dear Heavenly Father, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the power of your indwelling Holy Spirit, all this I feel and write, longing for you.”

I love you. I don’t want you to be lonely: so busy being God Almighty that no one realises it’s hurting you to see your creation suffer so…..

With all my heart, I shall keep seeking that I may find you anew. Cas

1 John: 18-23
“18 My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.
19 And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him.
20 For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.
21 Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.
22 And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight.
23 And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment.”

Day 3: The Blue Notebook

God couldn’t rapture me to Heaven to hear Uncle David play ‘How Great Thou Art’ so He brought Uncle David’s guitar to my son. Now Isaac plays that hymn so beautifully. Amazing to hear it in my home. Wonderful to see and hear dad and Isaac playing together. Cas

I don’t know if it means my medication is being less effective, but I have actually felt some connection with God. I have had some truly profound moments. I need to start writing about them instead of hiding behind endless colouring in and Netflix.

‘I need God more than air!’ This is true.

‘Don’t give me trinkets of sanity and take away my connection with you Lord!’ I did pray this. I have spent a lot of time apologising. After all, I want sanity, it’s not a trinket, and I desperately don’t want to end up in the mental ward again.

“Existential Experience!’ I want to experience my spirituality with God.

‘Us.’ I want there to be an ‘us’ with God and I. I want connection, relationship, meaning. Cas

James 4:8
8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you.

Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
 Psalm 73:28
28 But it is good for me to draw near to God:

I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works.

2nd October: The Blue Notebook

This afternoon I listened to more of the book of Matthew. The Bible is a funny thing. It works in us on so many levels, there’s the story, the deep moments and other things that don’t make any sense. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my relationship and connection with God, but the Bible says:

Seek, and you shall find! Knock, and it will be opened unto you! Ask, and you shall receive!

Surely if I keep earnestly seeking God, He will give me some connection back? I need God more than air. I think I will just write and write until I find my way back to the majestic company of my divine Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I might be insane with spiritual longing, but that’s not all bad. “Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.” Psalm 119:2

“Alice doesn’t have to chase the white rabbit to still want to explore wonderland.” Cas

Matthew 7:7-9
“7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”