Day 15: The Blue Notebook

It is as though the world is a popcorn kernel in an ever heating pan of oil and any day now, pop! The signs are so plentiful it’s overwhelming. Please hold my frightened heart in your mighty hand Lord. Cas

There’s terrible emptiness inside me. When I feel you very close, it is filled. I long to have it filled all the time.

Why do I still feel the need to seek if I have found? Why is my heart still knocking if you have opened to me, Lord? 

Why am I still asking, if I am truly receiving, all the fulness that is my portion? If I am, please increase my portion.

I seek to besiege the very heart of God. Oh, mighty God of all, I love you. Cas

 Psalms 73:26
“My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart,

and my portion for ever.”

 

Day 13: The Blue Notebook

I would create a home for you, Lord. I am just one woman, but I would make a beautiful place for you if I could. I would surround you with comfort and warmth. Shower you with love. Prepare delicious food. Invite friends and family, the elderly and children. Fill the rooms with laughter and music. There would always be fresh flowers and clean, soft sheets. I would give you the joy of simple human context. Ordinary wonders, like hugs and kisses. I would tell you stories by an open fire late into the night. I would lay by your side in the dark and let you rest. I would light one candle and gaze at your face in its light. For you, Oh Lord, I would give all I could to make you feel loved. Cas


My favourite Bible passage.
John 14:1-4
“14 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
2 In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
4 And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.”

Day 12: The Blue Notebook

I long to be close to you Lord. I grasp at straws longing to gain your attention, hoping to hit a nerve with you and inspire a response. I take off my metaphorical shoe and bang against the door of Heaven, crying out:

“Ahah! Ahah! Open your heart to me, Oh mighty God divine!”

I whisper in the keyhole “I love you. I love you. Hear me and answer my beloved.” Cas

Can I love you too much? Is it possible to love you enough that it shakes Heaven?

I would do as it says in ‘Twelfth Night’ and build a willow cabin at your gate. I would sing out through day and night praises to your loveliness. Perhaps I will find a way. I will beg and plead and refuse to leave until you open to me your heart.

Would such a thing bring you joy and pleasure, or would it merely frustrate and annoy you? Cas

I catch a glimpse of you… You are so wonderful…

Even if I cannot have more of you, I long to give you more of me. Cas

Revelation 4:11
“Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.”

Day 7: The Blue Notebook

“How can I reach you, Lord? How can I entreat you? As a daughter to a father, I implore you! As a bride to her groom, I beg you! As a creation to her creator, I shake my head in fear and confusion and say: “Ahah, Ahah! Surely now he will have mercy!” I twist my insides about, hoping the answer will pop out. Please have mercy.

I had some deep moments with God the other night, almost too deep, and then last night my prayers wouldn’t float above my pillow. Nothing! When things with God feel deep and real, I worry I am mentally unwell. Then when there’s nothing, I struggle to feel that life has any meaning at all.  The question of how personal does God desire to be with us is one I keep coming back to. Cas

‘I have nothing peculiarly to recommend me but this, I dare to ask, and I dare to believe.’ Please indulge me Lord and allow me to know you better. Cas

 Matthew 7:7-8
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find;

knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth;

and he that seeketh findeth;
and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”