Day 31: The Blue Notebook

The impossibility of ever having anything to say that could conceivably match how beautiful God feels in my heart makes me pause. The sunlight itself is like sweet music from Heaven, light shining like warm love.

James 1:17-18 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. Of his own will begat he us with the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures.”

The cross, a greater gift of love then I could ever deserve. Please forgive my sins by your blood and grant me eternal life with you, LORD most high. Cas

Life needs to stay simple if I am to stay sane.

Lord, the white rabbit in my head sits calm and says: You are not late.

I relax, wonderland is just a dream I can leave anytime.

I am not defined by wonderland.

I am not defined by mental illness.

Despite my mental illness, I can connect with God.

I can, I write, I feel. Thank you Lord. Cas

1 John 4:7-19
“7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God;

and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.
10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us,

and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.
12 No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another,

God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.
13 Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit.
14 And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the world.
15 Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God.
16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
17 Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world.
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:

because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
19 We love him, because he first loved us.”

Day 27: The Blue Notebook

It’s a compulsion to come. Perhaps it is insanity, but it’s more real and beautiful than all the world. Cas

I am a deer panting after the living water; please quench my thirst. Cas

Lord, is all my religious fervour a symptom of my mental illness? Do I matter to you? Do you read my prayers?

Heavenly Father, find me. Please find me in the night time of my soul and hold me in your arms. Reassure me that there is hope and I am not alone.

A little faith is all I have. Forgive my impatience, please. Cas 

Hebrews 13:5
“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”

Day 25: The Blue Notebook

I try to see myself as a woman before you. I am 39 but it’s hard. I would offer you my heart that still feels young. My young heart laughing and full of art and colour, a sparkling fountain of endless possibility and frighteningly submissive tendencies.

I would kneel before you. I would sit at your feet. I worship you. I long as no one but a woman, truly, desperately in love can long. Be not far from me but incline your ear to me Lord, I beg you. Cas

If you were a loin, I would be a lioness. If you hear me roar in the night, come to me. Cas

Psalm 96:9-11
“9 O worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness: fear before him, all the earth.
10 Say among the heathen that the Lord reigneth: the world also shall be established that it shall not be moved: he shall judge the people righteously.
11 Let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad; let the sea roar, and the fulness thereof.”

Day 23: The Blue Notebook

I have a theory that the words and love I can offer now in my broken and imperfect humanity are of great value. The offering I make here stands eternal, a testament to my true love for you. So I build up my treasure in Heaven that I may even then have a crown to lay continually at your perfect feet. Teach me, oh Lord to increase your favour.

I beg of you eyesalve so I may see as you would have me see. Cleanse me and purify me and clothe me in white raiment, make me a pleasing offering. I am not lukewarm! I burn for you! I boil! I am steam, and there is fire in my eyes and hair.

Look upon me Oh LORD my GOD and soften your heart towards me. Knock upon my door and I will open all my heart, and life, wide to you. You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship you. Cas

Matthew 6:19-21
“19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

Day 21: The Blue Notebook

How can I entreat you, my Lord, my love? What offering of tender desire and passion would please you? By what ordinary magic could a frail human like myself cause the all-powerful to smile?

What brings you joy?

What new song could I sing?

Give me words no other tongue has offered.

Give me grace, unmerited favour that I might bring an offering uniquely acceptable.

Perfume my prayers with the scent of your own most intimate beauty.

Let me love you. Cas

Psalms 98:1
“O sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvellous things:
his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory.”
Psalms 40:3
“And he hath put a new song in my mouth, [even] praise unto our God:
many shall see [it], and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.”
Isaiah 42:10
“Sing unto the LORD a new song, [and] his praise from the end of the earth,
ye that go down to the sea, and all that is therein; the isles, and the inhabitants thereof.”

Day 20: The Blue Notebook

I would find a thousand sisters to stand with me, and we would cry out to you night and day, begging for your return, longing for the Rapture, desperate to please you.

Only one life to offer, I offer it!

“Oh, for a thousand tounges to sing my great redeemers praise.”

I have but one tongue, but with it, I shall offer more love than a thousand could.

The pen is mightier then the sword, I take it like a dagger and plunge it into my own heart thereby to pierce yours, my Father, my brother, my KING, my friend.

“A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.” Romeo & Juliet

Song of Solomon 8:6&7
“Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.”

Day 19: The Blue Notebook

I take my few coins of sanity and desire to spend them recklessly over and over again. Investing everything I have in the possibility of drawing closer to God. Cas

Dear Heavenly Father, Oh great Jehovah God, in the name of the LORD Jesus Christ my Saviour and by the power of the Indwelling Scared Holy Spirit, I come to you again, writing my words like small birds offered on paper. Each bird flying from my mind to your mind, hear me, oh patient friend, please hear me.

I search for your face among the crowd in my mind. Longing to glimpse your elusive features in the memories that are torn from me by medication and I battle to reclaim. Noble King of kings, how do I find you?

I tear my heart out and offer it bleeding in my hands as an offering.

I would dress in white and wander through ages past and present and into the future calling: “Ahah, Ahah! My love, my LORD! Alas, I am alone. Find me, take me to your home. Save me! Love me! I am your redeemed.” Cas

Isaiah 51:11
“Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away.”

Day 18: The Blue Notebook

I want to crawl into your arms and cry a little. Please forgive me for not staying in the pasture. You are my shepherd. I am the sheep who follows you home at night instead of staying safely in the fold. I have escaped and stand by your door and belt incessantly, waking you.

You take me back to the fold, but I find no rest. I wandered through my souls dark night, past dragons and wolves and angels and demons seeking the door to your home. 

I cannot bear to be apart from you, my Shepherd King. Please open the door and let me lay warm beside the hearth fire of your own room. Let me live closer than your skin. Allow me to know the secret scent of your inner chambers.

Do not ask me to stop seeking you. Cas  

Psalm 23
“1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:

for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:

thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

Day 17: The Blue Notebook

Adonai, I would make you a perfume of my own heart. I would turn it velvet, rose, rubies and musk. I would ground my own soul, burnt with fire, to make some sweet ash. The aromatic incense I would offer before your throne and with it a new song, all my love in the sweetest melodies.

Please accept my offering and draw me closer into your secret, hidden, soul, deep inside your infinite loveliness and vast perfection. Cas

She went to God in her secret heart,
And shared with God her secret parts.
She drew her bow and shot secret darts
And longed to pierce God’s secret heart.

When God she found, she fell in fear,
For God is frightening if you come too near.
Instead of arrows he uses a spear
And he pierced her heart through her soul full clear.
Psalm 141:2
“Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense;
and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.”

Day 16: The Blue Notebook

I am a bride waiting…

Where oh, where is the groom? The Lamb slain from the foundation of the world? Where is the most loving Lord Jesus Christ our royal bridegroom? The saviour and redeemer of the church?

I long for the wedding day. I am nervous and wonder what we will wear?

Why do you tarry Lord? What more must be done? Please blow the trumpets in Heaven! Call a solemn assembly! Tell the angels to ready themselves! Prepare ‘the marriage supper of the Lamb’! come to the clouds! Please, please, please.

Oh that I could make my words arrows that would pierce your heart oh perfect God with such sweet, burning passion that you would gasp and grasp your heart and say: “Enough! You have captured my heart, my sister, my spouse! You have captured my heart for all eternity!”

(The truth is, I am the one whose heart has been eternally pierced. I am the captured one.)

 Revelation 19:7
“7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.”