Day 24: The Blue Notebook

What is a girl to do when she is promised and waits?

My heart is longing…..

Your own Spirit longs as I do. Hasten to the, MARRIAGE SUPPER OF THE LAMB. Send me not away……

Truly there is nothing so sweet to me as being with you.

I am a small plant, let me grow in your shadow. You are a mighty tree, let me grow in your bark. Let me be a delicate orchid and flower in your branches.

You are so mighty. I have so little I can offer you but I make pictures with words and lay them before you like a child absurdly proud of my immature sketches. I say: “Father! Father! I love you! Please notice me! I see you! I love you! Please put my pictures on your fridge.”

Revelation 19:6-9
“6 And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude, and as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of mighty thunderings, saying, Alleluia: for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.
8 And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.
9 And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.”

Day 20: The Blue Notebook

I would find a thousand sisters to stand with me, and we would cry out to you night and day, begging for your return, longing for the Rapture, desperate to please you.

Only one life to offer, I offer it!

“Oh, for a thousand tounges to sing my great redeemers praise.”

I have but one tongue, but with it, I shall offer more love than a thousand could.

The pen is mightier then the sword, I take it like a dagger and plunge it into my own heart thereby to pierce yours, my Father, my brother, my KING, my friend.

“A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.” Romeo & Juliet

Song of Solomon 8:6&7
“Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.”

Day 17: The Blue Notebook

Adonai, I would make you a perfume of my own heart. I would turn it velvet, rose, rubies and musk. I would ground my own soul, burnt with fire, to make some sweet ash. The aromatic incense I would offer before your throne and with it a new song, all my love in the sweetest melodies.

Please accept my offering and draw me closer into your secret, hidden, soul, deep inside your infinite loveliness and vast perfection. Cas

She went to God in her secret heart,
And shared with God her secret parts.
She drew her bow and shot secret darts
And longed to pierce God’s secret heart.

When God she found, she fell in fear,
For God is frightening if you come too near.
Instead of arrows he uses a spear
And he pierced her heart through her soul full clear.
Psalm 141:2
“Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense;
and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.”

Day 9: The Blue Notebook

Lord, perhaps when we reach Heaven, I will realise it was unnecessary to ask. I will find all my longings were ‘silly little girl’ dreams. There is a very real chance that when I actually see you, face to face, I will be terrified. I may be so in awe that I will never ask such presumptuous things again. But I feel it would be a shame not to ask now. From this distance, while I feel brave enough. Just on the off chance that my words and longings might please, or flatter, or amuse you. That I might in some way, give you pleasure.

I don’t know if I will get to write you letters in Heaven? I’m unsure if it is a sin to seek to know you as I do now? Maybe in Heaven, such familiarity will be impossible? Cas

Face to face with Christ my Saviour
Face to face, what will it be?
When with rapture I behold Him
Jesus Christ who died for me?

Face to face I shall behold Him
Far beyond the starry sky
Face to face in all His glory
I shall see Him by and by!

Only faintly now, I see Him
With the darkling veil between
But a blessed day is coming
When His glory shall be seen.

Face to face I shall behold Him
Far beyond the starry sky
Face to face in all His glory
I shall see Him by and by!

Day 8: The Blue Notebook

Please LORD accept my passionate, undying admiration. You are the most mysterious, delicious being in all the universe. I long to be your friend. I want to discover your secrets. Who are you when no angels or humans clutter your view? Are you always thinking like a king, or are you sometimes just a man who happens to be God?

Before the creation of Heaven and earth who were you then? I know you are the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, and you are all that’s in between, but before the Alpha and after the Omega, in that brief eternity alone, who were you then? For it is you without all your creation that I long to comfort. Cas

I long to love you always, so I ask to love you now.

God and I before the world began, by faith, I love Him then. Cas

Revelation 1:5-8
“Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood,
And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.
Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen.
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.”

Day 6: The Blue Notebook

Last night I had a deep talk with God, or maybe it was just an intense crying out to the Lord. Is God personal? Can we truly in all cold-hearted, clear-headed sanity, have an interactive relationship with the Holy Spirit, the Lord Jesus Christ and Father God, the great creator of the universe?

I know I will keep seeking, knocking, asking, longing, pleading, begging, for all of my life. There is a bottomless pit of need inside me. Medication can mask that to some extent, but it’s still there.

‘Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how often I would have gathered you under my wings.’

I long to be gathered under God’s wings and held in His mysterious love, safely hidden from the fearful, crumbling world. Cas  

Under His wings I am safely abiding;
  Though the night deepens and tempests are wild,
Still I can trust Him, I know He will keep me;
  He has redeemed me, and I am His child.
 
Under His wings, under His wings,
  Who from His love can sever?
Under His wings my soul shall abide,
    Safely abide forever.

Under His wings—what a refuge in sorrow!
  How the heart yearningly turns to His rest!
Often when earth has no balm for my healing,
  There I find comfort, and there I am blest.

Under His wings—oh, what precious enjoyment!
  There will I hide till life’s trials are o’er;
Sheltered, protected, no evil can harm me;
  Resting in Jesus I’m safe evermore.


by William Orcutt Crushing  (1823-1902)

Day 5: The Blue Notebook

I pray for the peace of Jerusalem. 

I need to be washed with the WORD even if I struggle to make sense of it all. I need GOD, not insanity. I want to have a relationship with God that is fulfilling and alive. Cas

I long for the RAPTURE! It is a twofold longing. I pray Jesus raptures us for LOVE, all for love. Yet, perhaps it is already too late for that because we need rescuing? The world is frightening and falling and failing. Will the Rapture happen for love? Or because the world is ripe for the great and terrible tribulation?

Either way, why ever, God finally says: “Now! Go my Son and rapture your church! It is time! Blow the trumpet! Away to the clouds!”

I can’t express how much I long and yearn and beg for that blessed day when the roll is called up yonder and we, the Bride of Christ, are with the LAMB of God at the marriage supper. Cas

Psalm 119:9 “Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way?
by taking heed thereto according to thy word.”
Psalm 122:6 “Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee.”
1 Corinthians 15:52 “In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”

Day 3: The Blue Notebook

God couldn’t rapture me to Heaven to hear Uncle David play ‘How Great Thou Art’ so He brought Uncle David’s guitar to my son. Now Isaac plays that hymn so beautifully. Amazing to hear it in my home. Wonderful to see and hear dad and Isaac playing together. Cas

I don’t know if it means my medication is being less effective, but I have actually felt some connection with God. I have had some truly profound moments. I need to start writing about them instead of hiding behind endless colouring in and Netflix.

‘I need God more than air!’ This is true.

‘Don’t give me trinkets of sanity and take away my connection with you Lord!’ I did pray this. I have spent a lot of time apologising. After all, I want sanity, it’s not a trinket, and I desperately don’t want to end up in the mental ward again.

“Existential Experience!’ I want to experience my spirituality with God.

‘Us.’ I want there to be an ‘us’ with God and I. I want connection, relationship, meaning. Cas

James 4:8
8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you.

Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
 Psalm 73:28
28 But it is good for me to draw near to God:

I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works.

1st October: The Blue Notebook

I long for the Rapture still, even on medication. There is an aching, longing, yearning, more than just hoping, that the Rapture will come. Still, I carve COME 4 ME on the cave walls of Heaven in the desperate hope, the God of mercy will send His Son Jesus Christ to Rapture all the church and rescue us from the tribulation to come. Cas

Lord, I am lonely. I long to be able to have deep and beautiful conversations with you. Medication makes me numb. I can’t feel you. I miss the existential love affair we used to have. Cas

I find being on medication is like having the inside of me, hollowed out. I wish I could go off medication and have deep and meaningful thoughts and interactions with God, myself and the universe. The inside of me feels so empty.

I am lonely for my imaginary friends. I don’t want to trigger my mental illness. I don’t want to be delusional and end up in the hospital again. But I also hate this emptiness, the silence, the loneliness. All my imaginary friends are gone, my mind palaces are rubble, and the white rabbit is so calm it’s gone to sleep. I haven’t seen Aslan for a year. Cas

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18
“16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.”