The impossibility of ever having anything to say that could conceivably match how beautiful God feels in my heart makes me pause. The sunlight itself is like sweet music from Heaven, light shining like warm love.
James 1:17-18 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. Of his own will begat he us with the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures.”
The cross, a greater gift of love then I could ever deserve. Please forgive my sins by your blood and grant me eternal life with you, LORD most high. Cas
Life needs to stay simple if I am to stay sane.
Lord, the white rabbit in my head sits calm and says: You are not late.
I relax, wonderland is just a dream I can leave anytime.
I am not defined by wonderland.
I am not defined by mental illness.
Despite my mental illness, I can connect with God.
I wish I could find a way to pump your own exquisite Holy Spirit into the very ink upon this page. I would that the Great High Priest, the LORD JESUS CHRIST, would personally offer my words to you oh Great JE-HO’-VAH!
“Awake my love! Awake and hear what the Spirit says! What the Son says! She loves You. She loves You with all her broken humanity. Smell the sweet scent of her adoration.” Cas
What is a girl to do when she is promised and waits?
My heart is longing…..
Your own Spirit longs as I do. Hasten to the, MARRIAGE SUPPER OF THE LAMB. Send me not away……
Truly there is nothing so sweet to me as being with you.
I am a small plant, let me grow in your shadow. You are a mighty tree, let me grow in your bark. Let me be a delicate orchid and flower in your branches.
You are so mighty. I have so little I can offer you but I make pictures with words and lay them before you like a child absurdly proud of my immature sketches. I say: “Father! Father! I love you! Please notice me! I see you! I love you! Please put my pictures on your fridge.”
It’s hard to know what you desire of us? I try to obey your commands and do the ordinary things. I try to pray ordinary prayers, but my heart yearns to make extraordinary promises. I would vow vows and rend my heart in two. Somehow turn my blood into ruby stone and offer it as red fruit to your perfect lips.
‘Oh, soul of my soul’ it cries out in hope and longing, gasping for divine air, grasping at distant possibilities of passion. ‘Love, my love! No one need ever know how much I love you, just please, I beg you, let me love you with all my desperate throbbing heart. Please do not turn me away.
May the offering of my heart be acceptable in your eyes. May angels step aside to let my love through to you. May your Holy Spirit scent Heaven with the perfume of my peculiar love for you.’ Cas
I long to be close to you Lord. I grasp at straws longing to gain your attention, hoping to hit a nerve with you and inspire a response. I take off my metaphorical shoe and bang against the door of Heaven, crying out:
“Ahah! Ahah! Open your heart to me, Oh mighty God divine!”
I whisper in the keyhole “I love you. I love you. Hear me and answer my beloved.” Cas
Can I love you too much? Is it possible to love you enough that it shakes Heaven?
I would do as it says in ‘Twelfth Night’ and build a willow cabin at your gate. I would sing out through day and night praises to your loveliness. Perhaps I will find a way. I will beg and plead and refuse to leave until you open to me your heart.
Would such a thing bring you joy and pleasure, or would it merely frustrate and annoy you? Cas
I catch a glimpse of you… You are so wonderful…
Even if I cannot have more of you, I long to give you more of me. Cas
Lord, perhaps when we reach Heaven, I will realise it was unnecessary to ask. I will find all my longings were ‘silly little girl’ dreams. There is a very real chance that when I actually see you, face to face, I will be terrified. I may be so in awe that I will never ask such presumptuous things again. But I feel it would be a shame not to ask now. From this distance, while I feel brave enough. Just on the off chance that my words and longings might please, or flatter, or amuse you. That I might in some way, give you pleasure.
I don’t know if I will get to write you letters in Heaven? I’m unsure if it is a sin to seek to know you as I do now? Maybe in Heaven, such familiarity will be impossible? Cas
“How can I reach you, Lord? How can I entreat you? As a daughter to a father, I implore you! As a bride to her groom, I beg you! As a creation to her creator, I shake my head in fear and confusion and say: “Ahah, Ahah! Surely now he will have mercy!” I twist my insides about, hoping the answer will pop out. Please have mercy.
I had some deep moments with God the other night, almost too deep, and then last night my prayers wouldn’t float above my pillow. Nothing! When things with God feel deep and real, I worry I am mentally unwell. Then when there’s nothing, I struggle to feel that life has any meaning at all. The question of how personal does God desire to be with us is one I keep coming back to. Cas
‘I have nothing peculiarly to recommend me but this, I dare to ask, and I dare to believe.’ Please indulge me Lord and allow me to know you better. Cas