Day 31: The Blue Notebook

The impossibility of ever having anything to say that could conceivably match how beautiful God feels in my heart makes me pause. The sunlight itself is like sweet music from Heaven, light shining like warm love.

James 1:17-18 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. Of his own will begat he us with the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures.”

The cross, a greater gift of love then I could ever deserve. Please forgive my sins by your blood and grant me eternal life with you, LORD most high. Cas

Life needs to stay simple if I am to stay sane.

Lord, the white rabbit in my head sits calm and says: You are not late.

I relax, wonderland is just a dream I can leave anytime.

I am not defined by wonderland.

I am not defined by mental illness.

Despite my mental illness, I can connect with God.

I can, I write, I feel. Thank you Lord. Cas

1 John 4:7-19
“7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God;

and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.
10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us,

and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.
12 No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another,

God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.
13 Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit.
14 And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the world.
15 Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God.
16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
17 Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world.
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:

because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
19 We love him, because he first loved us.”

Day 27: The Blue Notebook

It’s a compulsion to come. Perhaps it is insanity, but it’s more real and beautiful than all the world. Cas

I am a deer panting after the living water; please quench my thirst. Cas

Lord, is all my religious fervour a symptom of my mental illness? Do I matter to you? Do you read my prayers?

Heavenly Father, find me. Please find me in the night time of my soul and hold me in your arms. Reassure me that there is hope and I am not alone.

A little faith is all I have. Forgive my impatience, please. Cas 

Hebrews 13:5
“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”

Day 26: The Blue Notebook

Day after day I will come to you……

I wish I could find a way to pump your own exquisite Holy Spirit into the very ink upon this page. I would that the Great High Priest, the LORD JESUS CHRIST, would personally offer my words to you oh Great JE-HO’-VAH!

“Awake my love! Awake and hear what the Spirit says! What the Son says! She loves You. She loves You with all her broken humanity. Smell the sweet scent of her adoration.” Cas

Don Francisco Beautiful To Me – YouTube
http://www.youtube.com › watch


The crowds were in the streets that day when Jesus came To town
All the synagogue was there and more from miles around
So I asked him home to dinner just to see what I could See
Of this famous local prophet from here in Galilee
And I don’t know just how that woman got into the room
But you couldn’t miss her gaudy clothes and her strong And sweet perfume.

She went straight to Jesus’ feet and stopped and stood Right there
Then cried and wet His feet with tears and dried them With her hair.
Now of all the women in my town none was more well Known
For the flagrant sin she’d lived in and the wickedness She’d sown.
But He didn’t move to stop her — seemed this phophet Couldn’t tell
That the woman who was touching Him was the kind they Buy and sell.
And I had no idea just what this Jesus planned to do
When he said “Simon, there’s something I need to say to You.”
So I said “Teacher, if it’s on your mind then tell me What you will.”
But as He began to speak to me the room grew quick
ly Still
He said “Take a good look at this woman now, in spite Of all her fears
She’s kissed me and anointed me and washed my feet with Tears.
She’s honored me and you’ve been only rude to me Instead.
You gave no kiss of greeting, no anointing for my Head.”
And her sins were red as scarlet and now they’re washed Away.
The love and faith she’s shown is all the price she has To pay

For the depth of God’s forgiveness, it’s more than you Can see
And in spite of what you think of her, she’s beautiful To me
Now my anger flamed to hatred, I wanted nothing more
Than to take this prophet by the throat and throw Him Out the door
To act like God, forgiving sins, and then speak so to Me.
This itinerant from Nazareth in backwards Galilee.
But instead I sat and trembled, shaken to the core
The woman still was weeping as she knelt there on the Floor
Jesus turned to her and said, “Your chains have been Released
Your faith has saved you from your sins, rise — walk In peace.”
Your sins were red as scarlet but now they’re washed Away.
The love and faith you’ve shown is all the price you Have to pay
For the depth of God’s forgiveness, it’s deeper than The sea
And no matter what the world may think, you’re Beautiful to me.

Day 24: The Blue Notebook

What is a girl to do when she is promised and waits?

My heart is longing…..

Your own Spirit longs as I do. Hasten to the, MARRIAGE SUPPER OF THE LAMB. Send me not away……

Truly there is nothing so sweet to me as being with you.

I am a small plant, let me grow in your shadow. You are a mighty tree, let me grow in your bark. Let me be a delicate orchid and flower in your branches.

You are so mighty. I have so little I can offer you but I make pictures with words and lay them before you like a child absurdly proud of my immature sketches. I say: “Father! Father! I love you! Please notice me! I see you! I love you! Please put my pictures on your fridge.”

Revelation 19:6-9
“6 And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude, and as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of mighty thunderings, saying, Alleluia: for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.
8 And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.
9 And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.”

Day 21: The Blue Notebook

How can I entreat you, my Lord, my love? What offering of tender desire and passion would please you? By what ordinary magic could a frail human like myself cause the all-powerful to smile?

What brings you joy?

What new song could I sing?

Give me words no other tongue has offered.

Give me grace, unmerited favour that I might bring an offering uniquely acceptable.

Perfume my prayers with the scent of your own most intimate beauty.

Let me love you. Cas

Psalms 98:1
“O sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvellous things:
his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory.”
Psalms 40:3
“And he hath put a new song in my mouth, [even] praise unto our God:
many shall see [it], and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.”
Isaiah 42:10
“Sing unto the LORD a new song, [and] his praise from the end of the earth,
ye that go down to the sea, and all that is therein; the isles, and the inhabitants thereof.”

Day 14: The Blue Notebook

It’s hard to know what you desire of us? I try to obey your commands and do the ordinary things. I try to pray ordinary prayers, but my heart yearns to make extraordinary promises. I would vow vows and rend my heart in two. Somehow turn my blood into ruby stone and offer it as red fruit to your perfect lips.

‘Oh, soul of my soul’ it cries out in hope and longing, gasping for divine air, grasping at distant possibilities of passion. ‘Love, my love! No one need ever know how much I love you, just please, I beg you, let me love you with all my desperate throbbing heart. Please do not turn me away.

May the offering of my heart be acceptable in your eyes. May angels step aside to let my love through to you. May your Holy Spirit scent Heaven with the perfume of my peculiar love for you.’ Cas

Joel 2:13-15
“13 And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the Lord your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil.
14 Who knoweth if he will return and repent, and leave a blessing behind him; even a meat offering and a drink offering unto the Lord your God?
15 Blow the trumpet in Zion, sanctify a fast, call a solemn assembly:”
Psalm 19:14
“14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight,

O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.”

Day 12: The Blue Notebook

I long to be close to you Lord. I grasp at straws longing to gain your attention, hoping to hit a nerve with you and inspire a response. I take off my metaphorical shoe and bang against the door of Heaven, crying out:

“Ahah! Ahah! Open your heart to me, Oh mighty God divine!”

I whisper in the keyhole “I love you. I love you. Hear me and answer my beloved.” Cas

Can I love you too much? Is it possible to love you enough that it shakes Heaven?

I would do as it says in ‘Twelfth Night’ and build a willow cabin at your gate. I would sing out through day and night praises to your loveliness. Perhaps I will find a way. I will beg and plead and refuse to leave until you open to me your heart.

Would such a thing bring you joy and pleasure, or would it merely frustrate and annoy you? Cas

I catch a glimpse of you… You are so wonderful…

Even if I cannot have more of you, I long to give you more of me. Cas

Revelation 4:11
“Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.”

Day 11: The Blue Notebook

I am like a baby in the womb trying to understand the mechanics needed to send a satellite into space. I haven’t got a clue. Please forgive my ignorance and love me still.

“Dear Heavenly Father, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the power of your indwelling Holy Spirit, all this I feel and write, longing for you.”

I love you. I don’t want you to be lonely: so busy being God Almighty that no one realises it’s hurting you to see your creation suffer so…..

With all my heart, I shall keep seeking that I may find you anew. Cas

1 John: 18-23
“18 My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.
19 And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him.
20 For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.
21 Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.
22 And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight.
23 And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment.”

Day 9: The Blue Notebook

Lord, perhaps when we reach Heaven, I will realise it was unnecessary to ask. I will find all my longings were ‘silly little girl’ dreams. There is a very real chance that when I actually see you, face to face, I will be terrified. I may be so in awe that I will never ask such presumptuous things again. But I feel it would be a shame not to ask now. From this distance, while I feel brave enough. Just on the off chance that my words and longings might please, or flatter, or amuse you. That I might in some way, give you pleasure.

I don’t know if I will get to write you letters in Heaven? I’m unsure if it is a sin to seek to know you as I do now? Maybe in Heaven, such familiarity will be impossible? Cas

Face to face with Christ my Saviour
Face to face, what will it be?
When with rapture I behold Him
Jesus Christ who died for me?

Face to face I shall behold Him
Far beyond the starry sky
Face to face in all His glory
I shall see Him by and by!

Only faintly now, I see Him
With the darkling veil between
But a blessed day is coming
When His glory shall be seen.

Face to face I shall behold Him
Far beyond the starry sky
Face to face in all His glory
I shall see Him by and by!

Day 7: The Blue Notebook

“How can I reach you, Lord? How can I entreat you? As a daughter to a father, I implore you! As a bride to her groom, I beg you! As a creation to her creator, I shake my head in fear and confusion and say: “Ahah, Ahah! Surely now he will have mercy!” I twist my insides about, hoping the answer will pop out. Please have mercy.

I had some deep moments with God the other night, almost too deep, and then last night my prayers wouldn’t float above my pillow. Nothing! When things with God feel deep and real, I worry I am mentally unwell. Then when there’s nothing, I struggle to feel that life has any meaning at all.  The question of how personal does God desire to be with us is one I keep coming back to. Cas

‘I have nothing peculiarly to recommend me but this, I dare to ask, and I dare to believe.’ Please indulge me Lord and allow me to know you better. Cas

 Matthew 7:7-8
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find;

knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth;

and he that seeketh findeth;
and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”