I wish I could find a way to pump your own exquisite Holy Spirit into the very ink upon this page. I would that the Great High Priest, the LORD JESUS CHRIST, would personally offer my words to you oh Great JE-HO’-VAH!
“Awake my love! Awake and hear what the Spirit says! What the Son says! She loves You. She loves You with all her broken humanity. Smell the sweet scent of her adoration.” Cas
I long for the Rapture still, even on medication. There is an aching, longing, yearning, more than just hoping, that the Rapture will come. Still, I carve COME 4 ME on the cave walls of Heaven in the desperate hope, the God of mercy will send His Son Jesus Christ to Rapture all the church and rescue us from the tribulation to come. Cas
Lord, I am lonely. I long to be able to have deep and beautiful conversations with you. Medication makes me numb. I can’t feel you. I miss the existential love affair we used to have. Cas
I find being on medication is like having the inside of me, hollowed out. I wish I could go off medication and have deep and meaningful thoughts and interactions with God, myself and the universe. The inside of me feels so empty.
I am lonely for my imaginary friends. I don’t want to trigger my mental illness. I don’t want to be delusional and end up in the hospital again. But I also hate this emptiness, the silence, the loneliness. All my imaginary friends are gone, my mind palaces are rubble, and the white rabbit is so calm it’s gone to sleep. I haven’t seen Aslan for a year. Cas
Little by Little
Cas Reeves 2018
I’d like to make music for you, Lord.
If I was a harp how I’d sing,
For you my dear Saviour
Are so much more,
Then even just God,
You’re my King.
I fell through a hole in the ground
To a lost, sad world without words
But slowly I rise to my feet,
You lift me a little,
So gentle and kind.
Somehow, I’m less lost
And not out of my mind.
I write a sentence, a page.
Not much, no manic or rage,
But perhaps what follows
Will be greater than all
The push and the drama
Before my mind’s fall.
Will my words change the world?
I don’t know,
But the fact that I’m here
Goes to show,
That little by little,
Like a retuned fiddle
My words are a song changing me.
With my heart fit to burst
I come with my thirst
And sing, I have a story set free.
Cas Reeves 2020
I can barely walk the path before me.
I stumble, and I fall, and then I crawl.
Like pictures torn from a yellow book,
My thoughts are dark, but still, I look.
My mind is like performance art,
A circus troop that’s full of glee
Dancing in the big top that’s me.
Where’s the clown?
I see the acrobats move faster.
The girl standing on the horse
And the ringmaster.
Nobody is selling popcorn anymore.
The monkey lost his jacket long ago.
And the little girl who’s only three
Who thinks that she is me
Rides on her Pa’s shoulders once again.
If I had everything, I’d still be poor
But I’m as rich as I can ever get
Because I live life over and over
With a little girl who can’t forget.