Day 30: The Blue Notebook

Most excellent LORD of HOSTS I bow my heart and head and cry out “HOLY, HOLY, HOLY! LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, which was and is and is to come. Holy is your name and you, oh mighty one, are worthy of all praise and honour. Cas

I would lull myself into a trance and therein whisper sweet words of love and conjure such passionate loveliness as to enchant the Alpha and Omega, the great God who is the Beginning and the End and all that was and is to come.

If only I was young and beautiful, I wish that I could dance before you my LORD and ravish your heart with my love. Cas

Song of Solomon 4:9
“Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.”
Revelation 4:8
“And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.”

Day 27: The Blue Notebook

It’s a compulsion to come. Perhaps it is insanity, but it’s more real and beautiful than all the world. Cas

I am a deer panting after the living water; please quench my thirst. Cas

Lord, is all my religious fervour a symptom of my mental illness? Do I matter to you? Do you read my prayers?

Heavenly Father, find me. Please find me in the night time of my soul and hold me in your arms. Reassure me that there is hope and I am not alone.

A little faith is all I have. Forgive my impatience, please. Cas 

Hebrews 13:5
“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”

Day 23: The Blue Notebook

I have a theory that the words and love I can offer now in my broken and imperfect humanity are of great value. The offering I make here stands eternal, a testament to my true love for you. So I build up my treasure in Heaven that I may even then have a crown to lay continually at your perfect feet. Teach me, oh Lord to increase your favour.

I beg of you eyesalve so I may see as you would have me see. Cleanse me and purify me and clothe me in white raiment, make me a pleasing offering. I am not lukewarm! I burn for you! I boil! I am steam, and there is fire in my eyes and hair.

Look upon me Oh LORD my GOD and soften your heart towards me. Knock upon my door and I will open all my heart, and life, wide to you. You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship you. Cas

Matthew 6:19-21
“19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

Day 19: The Blue Notebook

I take my few coins of sanity and desire to spend them recklessly over and over again. Investing everything I have in the possibility of drawing closer to God. Cas

Dear Heavenly Father, Oh great Jehovah God, in the name of the LORD Jesus Christ my Saviour and by the power of the Indwelling Scared Holy Spirit, I come to you again, writing my words like small birds offered on paper. Each bird flying from my mind to your mind, hear me, oh patient friend, please hear me.

I search for your face among the crowd in my mind. Longing to glimpse your elusive features in the memories that are torn from me by medication and I battle to reclaim. Noble King of kings, how do I find you?

I tear my heart out and offer it bleeding in my hands as an offering.

I would dress in white and wander through ages past and present and into the future calling: “Ahah, Ahah! My love, my LORD! Alas, I am alone. Find me, take me to your home. Save me! Love me! I am your redeemed.” Cas

Isaiah 51:11
“Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away.”

Day 15: The Blue Notebook

It is as though the world is a popcorn kernel in an ever heating pan of oil and any day now, pop! The signs are so plentiful it’s overwhelming. Please hold my frightened heart in your mighty hand Lord. Cas

There’s terrible emptiness inside me. When I feel you very close, it is filled. I long to have it filled all the time.

Why do I still feel the need to seek if I have found? Why is my heart still knocking if you have opened to me, Lord? 

Why am I still asking, if I am truly receiving, all the fulness that is my portion? If I am, please increase my portion.

I seek to besiege the very heart of God. Oh, mighty God of all, I love you. Cas

 Psalms 73:26
“My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart,

and my portion for ever.”

 

Day 14: The Blue Notebook

It’s hard to know what you desire of us? I try to obey your commands and do the ordinary things. I try to pray ordinary prayers, but my heart yearns to make extraordinary promises. I would vow vows and rend my heart in two. Somehow turn my blood into ruby stone and offer it as red fruit to your perfect lips.

‘Oh, soul of my soul’ it cries out in hope and longing, gasping for divine air, grasping at distant possibilities of passion. ‘Love, my love! No one need ever know how much I love you, just please, I beg you, let me love you with all my desperate throbbing heart. Please do not turn me away.

May the offering of my heart be acceptable in your eyes. May angels step aside to let my love through to you. May your Holy Spirit scent Heaven with the perfume of my peculiar love for you.’ Cas

Joel 2:13-15
“13 And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the Lord your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil.
14 Who knoweth if he will return and repent, and leave a blessing behind him; even a meat offering and a drink offering unto the Lord your God?
15 Blow the trumpet in Zion, sanctify a fast, call a solemn assembly:”
Psalm 19:14
“14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight,

O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.”

Day 13: The Blue Notebook

I would create a home for you, Lord. I am just one woman, but I would make a beautiful place for you if I could. I would surround you with comfort and warmth. Shower you with love. Prepare delicious food. Invite friends and family, the elderly and children. Fill the rooms with laughter and music. There would always be fresh flowers and clean, soft sheets. I would give you the joy of simple human context. Ordinary wonders, like hugs and kisses. I would tell you stories by an open fire late into the night. I would lay by your side in the dark and let you rest. I would light one candle and gaze at your face in its light. For you, Oh Lord, I would give all I could to make you feel loved. Cas


My favourite Bible passage.
John 14:1-4
“14 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
2 In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
4 And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.”

Day 9: The Blue Notebook

Lord, perhaps when we reach Heaven, I will realise it was unnecessary to ask. I will find all my longings were ‘silly little girl’ dreams. There is a very real chance that when I actually see you, face to face, I will be terrified. I may be so in awe that I will never ask such presumptuous things again. But I feel it would be a shame not to ask now. From this distance, while I feel brave enough. Just on the off chance that my words and longings might please, or flatter, or amuse you. That I might in some way, give you pleasure.

I don’t know if I will get to write you letters in Heaven? I’m unsure if it is a sin to seek to know you as I do now? Maybe in Heaven, such familiarity will be impossible? Cas

Face to face with Christ my Saviour
Face to face, what will it be?
When with rapture I behold Him
Jesus Christ who died for me?

Face to face I shall behold Him
Far beyond the starry sky
Face to face in all His glory
I shall see Him by and by!

Only faintly now, I see Him
With the darkling veil between
But a blessed day is coming
When His glory shall be seen.

Face to face I shall behold Him
Far beyond the starry sky
Face to face in all His glory
I shall see Him by and by!

Day 8: The Blue Notebook

Please LORD accept my passionate, undying admiration. You are the most mysterious, delicious being in all the universe. I long to be your friend. I want to discover your secrets. Who are you when no angels or humans clutter your view? Are you always thinking like a king, or are you sometimes just a man who happens to be God?

Before the creation of Heaven and earth who were you then? I know you are the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, and you are all that’s in between, but before the Alpha and after the Omega, in that brief eternity alone, who were you then? For it is you without all your creation that I long to comfort. Cas

I long to love you always, so I ask to love you now.

God and I before the world began, by faith, I love Him then. Cas

Revelation 1:5-8
“Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood,
And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.
Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen.
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.”

Day 3: The Blue Notebook

God couldn’t rapture me to Heaven to hear Uncle David play ‘How Great Thou Art’ so He brought Uncle David’s guitar to my son. Now Isaac plays that hymn so beautifully. Amazing to hear it in my home. Wonderful to see and hear dad and Isaac playing together. Cas

I don’t know if it means my medication is being less effective, but I have actually felt some connection with God. I have had some truly profound moments. I need to start writing about them instead of hiding behind endless colouring in and Netflix.

‘I need God more than air!’ This is true.

‘Don’t give me trinkets of sanity and take away my connection with you Lord!’ I did pray this. I have spent a lot of time apologising. After all, I want sanity, it’s not a trinket, and I desperately don’t want to end up in the mental ward again.

“Existential Experience!’ I want to experience my spirituality with God.

‘Us.’ I want there to be an ‘us’ with God and I. I want connection, relationship, meaning. Cas

James 4:8
8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you.

Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
 Psalm 73:28
28 But it is good for me to draw near to God:

I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works.