It is as though the world is a popcorn kernel in an ever heating pan of oil and any day now, pop! The signs are so plentiful it’s overwhelming. Please hold my frightened heart in your mighty hand Lord. Cas
There’s terrible emptiness inside me. When I feel you very close, it is filled. I long to have it filled all the time.
Why do I still feel the need to seek if I have found? Why is my heart still knocking if you have opened to me, Lord?
Why am I still asking, if I am truly receiving, all the fulness that is my portion? If I am, please increase my portion.
I seek to besiege the very heart of God. Oh, mighty God of all, I love you. Cas
Last night I had a deep talk with God, or maybe it was just an intense crying out to the Lord. Is God personal? Can we truly in all cold-hearted, clear-headed sanity, have an interactive relationship with the Holy Spirit, the Lord Jesus Christ and Father God, the great creator of the universe?
I know I will keep seeking, knocking, asking, longing, pleading, begging, for all of my life. There is a bottomless pit of need inside me. Medication can mask that to some extent, but it’s still there.
‘Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how often I would have gathered you under my wings.’
I long to be gathered under God’s wings and held in His mysterious love, safely hidden from the fearful, crumbling world. Cas
I don’t know how to explain, or if it’s a good thing or not, but I have been having some amazing talks with God. Well, any conversation with God in this medicated life is amazing. I need God more than air. He challenges me and thrills and intrigues me. I love Him immensely. He is my everything.
Don’t ask me why but the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is in my head: “Oh Chitty, You Chitty…Chitty Chitty Bang Bang we love you…” “Truly Scrumptious, Though we may seem presumptuous…” Is the Lord my Father or my suitor? These are the questions? Cas
There is so much I don’t know about myself. Things are different post hospital on medication. I am in a new place, where once again I look forward to going to bed in the hope I will catch a glimpse of the divine. Here’s hoping. Cas
I don’t know what scares me more? That God will answer when I pray or that he won’t? Either I’m alone or insane. Is God indwelling me and communicating with me or not? Am I alone? I want God and an existential, passionate relationship with Him. I need God! But that’s the thing though, am I making it up because I want it so badly? Cas
God couldn’t rapture me to Heaven to hear Uncle David play ‘How Great Thou Art’ so He brought Uncle David’s guitar to my son. Now Isaac plays that hymn so beautifully. Amazing to hear it in my home. Wonderful to see and hear dad and Isaac playing together. Cas
I don’t know if it means my medication is being less effective, but I have actually felt some connection with God. I have had some truly profound moments. I need to start writing about them instead of hiding behind endless colouring in and Netflix.
‘I need God more than air!’ This is true.
‘Don’t give me trinkets of sanity and take away my connection with you Lord!’ I did pray this. I have spent a lot of time apologising. After all, I want sanity, it’s not a trinket, and I desperately don’t want to end up in the mental ward again.
“Existential Experience!’ I want to experience my spirituality with God.
‘Us.’ I want there to be an ‘us’ with God and I. I want connection, relationship, meaning. Cas
This afternoon I listened to more of the book of Matthew. The Bible is a funny thing. It works in us on so many levels, there’s the story, the deep moments and other things that don’t make any sense. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my relationship and connection with God, but the Bible says:
Seek, and you shall find! Knock, and it will be opened unto you! Ask, and you shall receive!
Surely if I keep earnestly seeking God, He will give me some connection back? I need God more than air. I think I will just write and write until I find my way back to the majestic company of my divine Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I might be insane with spiritual longing, but that’s not all bad. “Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.” Psalm 119:2
“Alice doesn’t have to chase the white rabbit to still want to explore wonderland.” Cas
I long for the Rapture still, even on medication. There is an aching, longing, yearning, more than just hoping, that the Rapture will come. Still, I carve COME 4 ME on the cave walls of Heaven in the desperate hope, the God of mercy will send His Son Jesus Christ to Rapture all the church and rescue us from the tribulation to come. Cas
Lord, I am lonely. I long to be able to have deep and beautiful conversations with you. Medication makes me numb. I can’t feel you. I miss the existential love affair we used to have. Cas
I find being on medication is like having the inside of me, hollowed out. I wish I could go off medication and have deep and meaningful thoughts and interactions with God, myself and the universe. The inside of me feels so empty.
I am lonely for my imaginary friends. I don’t want to trigger my mental illness. I don’t want to be delusional and end up in the hospital again. But I also hate this emptiness, the silence, the loneliness. All my imaginary friends are gone, my mind palaces are rubble, and the white rabbit is so calm it’s gone to sleep. I haven’t seen Aslan for a year. Cas
I asked God what project I should do next for October. He miraculously told me to post this notebook. It is a prayer written over a few months in 2015 as I was trying to come to terms with my diagnosis and medication. I felt like this was too private, but one night while the house was empty, I read it all out aloud. As I went along, I felt God tell me to mark different places. When I got to the end, God said ever clearly, ‘Now count the sections’. I did, and there were exactly 31 sections for the 31 days of October. I was overwhelmed; it was a profound and miraculous moment for me. What are the chances? So, for you, Lord, I share with the world, The Blue Notebook.