1st October: The Blue Notebook

I long for the Rapture still, even on medication. There is an aching, longing, yearning, more than just hoping, that the Rapture will come. Still, I carve COME 4 ME on the cave walls of Heaven in the desperate hope, the God of mercy will send His Son Jesus Christ to Rapture all the church and rescue us from the tribulation to come. Cas

Lord, I am lonely. I long to be able to have deep and beautiful conversations with you. Medication makes me numb. I can’t feel you. I miss the existential love affair we used to have. Cas

I find being on medication is like having the inside of me, hollowed out. I wish I could go off medication and have deep and meaningful thoughts and interactions with God, myself and the universe. The inside of me feels so empty.

I am lonely for my imaginary friends. I don’t want to trigger my mental illness. I don’t want to be delusional and end up in the hospital again. But I also hate this emptiness, the silence, the loneliness. All my imaginary friends are gone, my mind palaces are rubble, and the white rabbit is so calm it’s gone to sleep. I haven’t seen Aslan for a year. Cas

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18
“16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.”

Day 20: At Sea

At Sea
Cas Reeves 2014
God took me.
He stood me on a beach and said:
‘What do you see?’
I said: ‘The ocean.’
The sea spread out before me,
Huge powerful waves,
Stretching in a curve on beach
As far as the eye could reach
And beyond.
Endless blue to the horizon.
Deep, dark, blue sea.
Unfathomable depths hiding worlds.
God said: ‘I am the sea
What are you to me?’
I stared at the pushing, pulsing, waves,
Thought of the encompassing waters
Covering the earth.
‘What am I compared to Christ?’
I picked up a small, broken shell,
Sun bleached, faded, chipped and incomplete.
I held it up to Jesus,
‘I am this shell.’
God nodded:
‘So little shell what have you
To do with me?
Can you understand my depths?
You cannot comprehend
Even the shallows,
You cannot contain my glory.’
‘No Lord.’ I agreed:
‘But I can be touched by you.’
I threw the shell
And sunk down into my Saviour,
Lost in his wondrous love
At sea.
Today I share a poem to celebrate a beautiful moment of understanding with God.