Day 31: The Blue Notebook

The impossibility of ever having anything to say that could conceivably match how beautiful God feels in my heart makes me pause. The sunlight itself is like sweet music from Heaven, light shining like warm love.

James 1:17-18 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. Of his own will begat he us with the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures.”

The cross, a greater gift of love then I could ever deserve. Please forgive my sins by your blood and grant me eternal life with you, LORD most high. Cas

Life needs to stay simple if I am to stay sane.

Lord, the white rabbit in my head sits calm and says: You are not late.

I relax, wonderland is just a dream I can leave anytime.

I am not defined by wonderland.

I am not defined by mental illness.

Despite my mental illness, I can connect with God.

I can, I write, I feel. Thank you Lord. Cas

1 John 4:7-19
“7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God;

and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.
10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us,

and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.
12 No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another,

God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.
13 Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit.
14 And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the world.
15 Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God.
16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
17 Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world.
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:

because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
19 We love him, because he first loved us.”

Day 29: The Blue Notebook

I am weak and lack courage. Please Father God save us from the wrath to come. Extend us grace. Rapture us before the mega storm hits, that even now is brewing in the world.

The clouds against the blue sky make me think of you and long for your return. Cas

Oh blessed indwelling Holy Spirit I open to you every room in my heart. I give you all my keys.

Please let my love for the KING be a sweet scent to His senses. Let the perfume of God’s skin woo my heart. Let His scent drift down from Heaven to me.

If only my longing could inspire equal longing. Oh, to awaken a force greater than my own passion! (A dangerous thought. Perhaps not wise but I long for Him.) Cas  

Revelation 3:20
“20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”

Day 25: The Blue Notebook

I try to see myself as a woman before you. I am 39 but it’s hard. I would offer you my heart that still feels young. My young heart laughing and full of art and colour, a sparkling fountain of endless possibility and frighteningly submissive tendencies.

I would kneel before you. I would sit at your feet. I worship you. I long as no one but a woman, truly, desperately in love can long. Be not far from me but incline your ear to me Lord, I beg you. Cas

If you were a loin, I would be a lioness. If you hear me roar in the night, come to me. Cas

Psalm 96:9-11
“9 O worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness: fear before him, all the earth.
10 Say among the heathen that the Lord reigneth: the world also shall be established that it shall not be moved: he shall judge the people righteously.
11 Let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad; let the sea roar, and the fulness thereof.”

Day 23: The Blue Notebook

I have a theory that the words and love I can offer now in my broken and imperfect humanity are of great value. The offering I make here stands eternal, a testament to my true love for you. So I build up my treasure in Heaven that I may even then have a crown to lay continually at your perfect feet. Teach me, oh Lord to increase your favour.

I beg of you eyesalve so I may see as you would have me see. Cleanse me and purify me and clothe me in white raiment, make me a pleasing offering. I am not lukewarm! I burn for you! I boil! I am steam, and there is fire in my eyes and hair.

Look upon me Oh LORD my GOD and soften your heart towards me. Knock upon my door and I will open all my heart, and life, wide to you. You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship you. Cas

Matthew 6:19-21
“19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

Day 19: The Blue Notebook

I take my few coins of sanity and desire to spend them recklessly over and over again. Investing everything I have in the possibility of drawing closer to God. Cas

Dear Heavenly Father, Oh great Jehovah God, in the name of the LORD Jesus Christ my Saviour and by the power of the Indwelling Scared Holy Spirit, I come to you again, writing my words like small birds offered on paper. Each bird flying from my mind to your mind, hear me, oh patient friend, please hear me.

I search for your face among the crowd in my mind. Longing to glimpse your elusive features in the memories that are torn from me by medication and I battle to reclaim. Noble King of kings, how do I find you?

I tear my heart out and offer it bleeding in my hands as an offering.

I would dress in white and wander through ages past and present and into the future calling: “Ahah, Ahah! My love, my LORD! Alas, I am alone. Find me, take me to your home. Save me! Love me! I am your redeemed.” Cas

Isaiah 51:11
“Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away.”

Day 11: The Blue Notebook

I am like a baby in the womb trying to understand the mechanics needed to send a satellite into space. I haven’t got a clue. Please forgive my ignorance and love me still.

“Dear Heavenly Father, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the power of your indwelling Holy Spirit, all this I feel and write, longing for you.”

I love you. I don’t want you to be lonely: so busy being God Almighty that no one realises it’s hurting you to see your creation suffer so…..

With all my heart, I shall keep seeking that I may find you anew. Cas

1 John: 18-23
“18 My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.
19 And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him.
20 For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.
21 Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.
22 And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight.
23 And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment.”