Today it was a challenge to record these poems. I haven’t been sleeping well, my mind seems to think going to bed is the signal to start planning out how to change the world or take on a new career or renovate my childhood home and turn it into a retreat. Wonderful thoughts to contemplate but not helpful when you need to go to sleep. Thank you for taking the time to share my journey, we are all imperfect works in progress, how precious is it that our God loves us just as we are.
Tag: growth faith
Day 29: The Blue Notebook
I am weak and lack courage. Please Father God save us from the wrath to come. Extend us grace. Rapture us before the mega storm hits, that even now is brewing in the world.
The clouds against the blue sky make me think of you and long for your return. Cas
Oh blessed indwelling Holy Spirit I open to you every room in my heart. I give you all my keys.
Please let my love for the KING be a sweet scent to His senses. Let the perfume of God’s skin woo my heart. Let His scent drift down from Heaven to me.
If only my longing could inspire equal longing. Oh, to awaken a force greater than my own passion! (A dangerous thought. Perhaps not wise but I long for Him.) Cas
“20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”
Day 20: The Blue Notebook
I would find a thousand sisters to stand with me, and we would cry out to you night and day, begging for your return, longing for the Rapture, desperate to please you.
Only one life to offer, I offer it!
“Oh, for a thousand tounges to sing my great redeemers praise.”
I have but one tongue, but with it, I shall offer more love than a thousand could.
The pen is mightier then the sword, I take it like a dagger and plunge it into my own heart thereby to pierce yours, my Father, my brother, my KING, my friend.
“A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.” Romeo & Juliet
“Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.”
Day 18: The Blue Notebook
I want to crawl into your arms and cry a little. Please forgive me for not staying in the pasture. You are my shepherd. I am the sheep who follows you home at night instead of staying safely in the fold. I have escaped and stand by your door and belt incessantly, waking you.
You take me back to the fold, but I find no rest. I wandered through my souls dark night, past dragons and wolves and angels and demons seeking the door to your home.
I cannot bear to be apart from you, my Shepherd King. Please open the door and let me lay warm beside the hearth fire of your own room. Let me live closer than your skin. Allow me to know the secret scent of your inner chambers.
Do not ask me to stop seeking you. Cas
“1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”
Day 15: The Blue Notebook
It is as though the world is a popcorn kernel in an ever heating pan of oil and any day now, pop! The signs are so plentiful it’s overwhelming. Please hold my frightened heart in your mighty hand Lord. Cas
There’s terrible emptiness inside me. When I feel you very close, it is filled. I long to have it filled all the time.
Why do I still feel the need to seek if I have found? Why is my heart still knocking if you have opened to me, Lord?
Why am I still asking, if I am truly receiving, all the fulness that is my portion? If I am, please increase my portion.
I seek to besiege the very heart of God. Oh, mighty God of all, I love you. Cas
“My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart,
and my portion for ever.”
Day 13: The Blue Notebook
I would create a home for you, Lord. I am just one woman, but I would make a beautiful place for you if I could. I would surround you with comfort and warmth. Shower you with love. Prepare delicious food. Invite friends and family, the elderly and children. Fill the rooms with laughter and music. There would always be fresh flowers and clean, soft sheets. I would give you the joy of simple human context. Ordinary wonders, like hugs and kisses. I would tell you stories by an open fire late into the night. I would lay by your side in the dark and let you rest. I would light one candle and gaze at your face in its light. For you, Oh Lord, I would give all I could to make you feel loved. Cas
My favourite Bible passage.
John 14:1-4
“14 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
2 In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
4 And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.”
Day 10: The Blue Notebook
Yesterday I had a time of feeling so close to God. It felt like I was laying in His arms, safe from all the universe and time and space itself. It was the most beautiful moment since I have been on medication. I know I need to be careful and live in the ordinary now and relax and stay mentally well.
I shall keep listening to the Bible and praying and seeking and trying to be patient and content. To love God calmly is a challenge. I keep pushing: running like it’s a desperate sprint to the finish line, a fierce competition to win the hand of the King.
“Only one life to offer, Jesus my Lord and King. Only one heart to offer and of his praises sing.”
Will I be able to continue to write you letters in Heaven Lord? Will I still be able to have a personal, one on one, intimate relationship with you? I worry I will be lost in the crowd and never alone with you again. I would sacrifice all of Heaven to be alone with you awhile. It is you I love, not the safety or pleasure of the rescue. Yes, I long for the Rapture, but I long for you more.
Please at least let me have pen and paper so I may continue to write long love letters to you until after the tribulation and Christ’s return. Then maybe in the 1000 year millennium reign if you have time we could meet up for coffee? Cas
Day 3: The Blue Notebook
God couldn’t rapture me to Heaven to hear Uncle David play ‘How Great Thou Art’ so He brought Uncle David’s guitar to my son. Now Isaac plays that hymn so beautifully. Amazing to hear it in my home. Wonderful to see and hear dad and Isaac playing together. Cas
I don’t know if it means my medication is being less effective, but I have actually felt some connection with God. I have had some truly profound moments. I need to start writing about them instead of hiding behind endless colouring in and Netflix.
‘I need God more than air!’ This is true.
‘Don’t give me trinkets of sanity and take away my connection with you Lord!’ I did pray this. I have spent a lot of time apologising. After all, I want sanity, it’s not a trinket, and I desperately don’t want to end up in the mental ward again.
“Existential Experience!’ I want to experience my spirituality with God.
‘Us.’ I want there to be an ‘us’ with God and I. I want connection, relationship, meaning. Cas
8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you.
Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
Psalm 73:28
28 But it is good for me to draw near to God:
I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works.
Day 30: Resolution
Resolution Cas Reeves 2019 This time I come as me! Though me, Be three. Though Snow and Red Both share my head, And chat away At night in bed Though Gun be son, Yet we are one. Cas, a writer now, Brave at last somehow. I do not lie. I dare to try. I write my truth, As one, Before the Father, Spirit, Son, That three, Who too, Is one.
Day 29: Little By Little
Little by Little Cas Reeves 2018 I’d like to make music for you, Lord. If I was a harp how I’d sing, For you my dear Saviour Are so much more, Then even just God, You’re my King. I fell through a hole in the ground To a lost, sad world without words But slowly I rise to my feet, You lift me a little, So gentle and kind. Somehow, I’m less lost And not out of my mind. I write a sentence, a page. Not much, no manic or rage, But perhaps what follows Will be greater than all The push and the drama Before my mind’s fall. Will my words change the world? I don’t know, But the fact that I’m here Goes to show, That little by little, Like a retuned fiddle My words are a song changing me. With my heart fit to burst I come with my thirst And sing, I have a story set free.
Cheryl Reeves Writing - from my shelves of journals 