Day 24: The Blue Notebook

What is a girl to do when she is promised and waits?

My heart is longing…..

Your own Spirit longs as I do. Hasten to the, MARRIAGE SUPPER OF THE LAMB. Send me not away……

Truly there is nothing so sweet to me as being with you.

I am a small plant, let me grow in your shadow. You are a mighty tree, let me grow in your bark. Let me be a delicate orchid and flower in your branches.

You are so mighty. I have so little I can offer you but I make pictures with words and lay them before you like a child absurdly proud of my immature sketches. I say: “Father! Father! I love you! Please notice me! I see you! I love you! Please put my pictures on your fridge.”

Revelation 19:6-9
“6 And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude, and as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of mighty thunderings, saying, Alleluia: for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.
8 And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.
9 And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.”

Day 17: The Blue Notebook

Adonai, I would make you a perfume of my own heart. I would turn it velvet, rose, rubies and musk. I would ground my own soul, burnt with fire, to make some sweet ash. The aromatic incense I would offer before your throne and with it a new song, all my love in the sweetest melodies.

Please accept my offering and draw me closer into your secret, hidden, soul, deep inside your infinite loveliness and vast perfection. Cas

She went to God in her secret heart,
And shared with God her secret parts.
She drew her bow and shot secret darts
And longed to pierce God’s secret heart.

When God she found, she fell in fear,
For God is frightening if you come too near.
Instead of arrows he uses a spear
And he pierced her heart through her soul full clear.
Psalm 141:2
“Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense;
and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.”

Day 15: The Blue Notebook

It is as though the world is a popcorn kernel in an ever heating pan of oil and any day now, pop! The signs are so plentiful it’s overwhelming. Please hold my frightened heart in your mighty hand Lord. Cas

There’s terrible emptiness inside me. When I feel you very close, it is filled. I long to have it filled all the time.

Why do I still feel the need to seek if I have found? Why is my heart still knocking if you have opened to me, Lord? 

Why am I still asking, if I am truly receiving, all the fulness that is my portion? If I am, please increase my portion.

I seek to besiege the very heart of God. Oh, mighty God of all, I love you. Cas

 Psalms 73:26
“My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart,

and my portion for ever.”

 

Day 13: The Blue Notebook

I would create a home for you, Lord. I am just one woman, but I would make a beautiful place for you if I could. I would surround you with comfort and warmth. Shower you with love. Prepare delicious food. Invite friends and family, the elderly and children. Fill the rooms with laughter and music. There would always be fresh flowers and clean, soft sheets. I would give you the joy of simple human context. Ordinary wonders, like hugs and kisses. I would tell you stories by an open fire late into the night. I would lay by your side in the dark and let you rest. I would light one candle and gaze at your face in its light. For you, Oh Lord, I would give all I could to make you feel loved. Cas


My favourite Bible passage.
John 14:1-4
“14 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
2 In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
4 And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.”

Day 12: The Blue Notebook

I long to be close to you Lord. I grasp at straws longing to gain your attention, hoping to hit a nerve with you and inspire a response. I take off my metaphorical shoe and bang against the door of Heaven, crying out:

“Ahah! Ahah! Open your heart to me, Oh mighty God divine!”

I whisper in the keyhole “I love you. I love you. Hear me and answer my beloved.” Cas

Can I love you too much? Is it possible to love you enough that it shakes Heaven?

I would do as it says in ‘Twelfth Night’ and build a willow cabin at your gate. I would sing out through day and night praises to your loveliness. Perhaps I will find a way. I will beg and plead and refuse to leave until you open to me your heart.

Would such a thing bring you joy and pleasure, or would it merely frustrate and annoy you? Cas

I catch a glimpse of you… You are so wonderful…

Even if I cannot have more of you, I long to give you more of me. Cas

Revelation 4:11
“Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.”

Day 9: The Blue Notebook

Lord, perhaps when we reach Heaven, I will realise it was unnecessary to ask. I will find all my longings were ‘silly little girl’ dreams. There is a very real chance that when I actually see you, face to face, I will be terrified. I may be so in awe that I will never ask such presumptuous things again. But I feel it would be a shame not to ask now. From this distance, while I feel brave enough. Just on the off chance that my words and longings might please, or flatter, or amuse you. That I might in some way, give you pleasure.

I don’t know if I will get to write you letters in Heaven? I’m unsure if it is a sin to seek to know you as I do now? Maybe in Heaven, such familiarity will be impossible? Cas

Face to face with Christ my Saviour
Face to face, what will it be?
When with rapture I behold Him
Jesus Christ who died for me?

Face to face I shall behold Him
Far beyond the starry sky
Face to face in all His glory
I shall see Him by and by!

Only faintly now, I see Him
With the darkling veil between
But a blessed day is coming
When His glory shall be seen.

Face to face I shall behold Him
Far beyond the starry sky
Face to face in all His glory
I shall see Him by and by!

Day 8: The Blue Notebook

Please LORD accept my passionate, undying admiration. You are the most mysterious, delicious being in all the universe. I long to be your friend. I want to discover your secrets. Who are you when no angels or humans clutter your view? Are you always thinking like a king, or are you sometimes just a man who happens to be God?

Before the creation of Heaven and earth who were you then? I know you are the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, and you are all that’s in between, but before the Alpha and after the Omega, in that brief eternity alone, who were you then? For it is you without all your creation that I long to comfort. Cas

I long to love you always, so I ask to love you now.

God and I before the world began, by faith, I love Him then. Cas

Revelation 1:5-8
“Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood,
And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.
Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him: and all kindreds of the earth shall wail because of him. Even so, Amen.
I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.”

1st October: The Blue Notebook

I long for the Rapture still, even on medication. There is an aching, longing, yearning, more than just hoping, that the Rapture will come. Still, I carve COME 4 ME on the cave walls of Heaven in the desperate hope, the God of mercy will send His Son Jesus Christ to Rapture all the church and rescue us from the tribulation to come. Cas

Lord, I am lonely. I long to be able to have deep and beautiful conversations with you. Medication makes me numb. I can’t feel you. I miss the existential love affair we used to have. Cas

I find being on medication is like having the inside of me, hollowed out. I wish I could go off medication and have deep and meaningful thoughts and interactions with God, myself and the universe. The inside of me feels so empty.

I am lonely for my imaginary friends. I don’t want to trigger my mental illness. I don’t want to be delusional and end up in the hospital again. But I also hate this emptiness, the silence, the loneliness. All my imaginary friends are gone, my mind palaces are rubble, and the white rabbit is so calm it’s gone to sleep. I haven’t seen Aslan for a year. Cas

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18
“16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.”

Day 27: Enraptured

Enraptured
Cas Reeves 2005
 
God and God alone
He holds my heart
With His still small voice.
His smile shining into my spiritual eyes.
Transcending human love
He enraptures me.
Divine beyond perfection
And to perfection and beyond.
He is so good to me.
I fall in love anew,
I run to Him with all of me,
The black and red and all my darkness
Offered to His light.
I am his,
Layer upon layer for His own.
He is and so I am.
Such joy He gives
In place of grey despair.
There are moments of joy when I feel close to God and my illness takes a backseat. All my brokenness and darkness are offered to God’s light. There are days when I feel whole and all of that is because of my faith in God. The healing and wholeness I do experience is a gift from my Heavenly Father. He enraptures me and gives colour in place of the grey.