It is as though the world is a popcorn kernel in an ever heating pan of oil and any day now, pop! The signs are so plentiful it’s overwhelming. Please hold my frightened heart in your mighty hand Lord. Cas
There’s terrible emptiness inside me. When I feel you very close, it is filled. I long to have it filled all the time.
Why do I still feel the need to seek if I have found? Why is my heart still knocking if you have opened to me, Lord?
Why am I still asking, if I am truly receiving, all the fulness that is my portion? If I am, please increase my portion.
I seek to besiege the very heart of God. Oh, mighty God of all, I love you. Cas
I would create a home for you, Lord. I am just one woman, but I would make a beautiful place for you if I could. I would surround you with comfort and warmth. Shower you with love. Prepare delicious food. Invite friends and family, the elderly and children. Fill the rooms with laughter and music. There would always be fresh flowers and clean, soft sheets. I would give you the joy of simple human context. Ordinary wonders, like hugs and kisses. I would tell you stories by an open fire late into the night. I would lay by your side in the dark and let you rest. I would light one candle and gaze at your face in its light. For you, Oh Lord, I would give all I could to make you feel loved. Cas
I don’t know how to explain, or if it’s a good thing or not, but I have been having some amazing talks with God. Well, any conversation with God in this medicated life is amazing. I need God more than air. He challenges me and thrills and intrigues me. I love Him immensely. He is my everything.
Don’t ask me why but the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is in my head: “Oh Chitty, You Chitty…Chitty Chitty Bang Bang we love you…” “Truly Scrumptious, Though we may seem presumptuous…” Is the Lord my Father or my suitor? These are the questions? Cas
There is so much I don’t know about myself. Things are different post hospital on medication. I am in a new place, where once again I look forward to going to bed in the hope I will catch a glimpse of the divine. Here’s hoping. Cas
I don’t know what scares me more? That God will answer when I pray or that he won’t? Either I’m alone or insane. Is God indwelling me and communicating with me or not? Am I alone? I want God and an existential, passionate relationship with Him. I need God! But that’s the thing though, am I making it up because I want it so badly? Cas
I long for the Rapture still, even on medication. There is an aching, longing, yearning, more than just hoping, that the Rapture will come. Still, I carve COME 4 ME on the cave walls of Heaven in the desperate hope, the God of mercy will send His Son Jesus Christ to Rapture all the church and rescue us from the tribulation to come. Cas
Lord, I am lonely. I long to be able to have deep and beautiful conversations with you. Medication makes me numb. I can’t feel you. I miss the existential love affair we used to have. Cas
I find being on medication is like having the inside of me, hollowed out. I wish I could go off medication and have deep and meaningful thoughts and interactions with God, myself and the universe. The inside of me feels so empty.
I am lonely for my imaginary friends. I don’t want to trigger my mental illness. I don’t want to be delusional and end up in the hospital again. But I also hate this emptiness, the silence, the loneliness. All my imaginary friends are gone, my mind palaces are rubble, and the white rabbit is so calm it’s gone to sleep. I haven’t seen Aslan for a year. Cas
Cas Reeves 2014
God took me.
He stood me on a beach and said:
‘What do you see?’
I said: ‘The ocean.’
The sea spread out before me,
Huge powerful waves,
Stretching in a curve on beach
As far as the eye could reach
Endless blue to the horizon.
Deep, dark, blue sea.
Unfathomable depths hiding worlds.
God said: ‘I am the sea
What are you to me?’
I stared at the pushing, pulsing, waves,
Thought of the encompassing waters
Covering the earth.
‘What am I compared to Christ?’
I picked up a small, broken shell,
Sun bleached, faded, chipped and incomplete.
I held it up to Jesus,
‘I am this shell.’
‘So little shell what have you
To do with me?
Can you understand my depths?
You cannot comprehend
Even the shallows,
You cannot contain my glory.’
‘No Lord.’ I agreed:
‘But I can be touched by you.’
I threw the shell
And sunk down into my Saviour,
Lost in his wondrous love