Day 26: Alone With Me

Alone With Me
Cas Reeves 2004
I love to be alone with me,
I am my best of friends.
I buy myself the greatest gifts,
I know just what I like.
Myself and I have perfect taste
And share sweet sympathies.
Our dreams and hopes are so in tune,
We understand each other.
We’re never bored or overwhelmed
By all we ask the other.
When tired we sleep.
Awake we work,
And study, read and play.
I hope tomorrow I can share
With myself another day.
Most of the time, I do love my own company. My mind invents glorious coping mechanisms. I thank God for my imagination and creativity. There are days when my alters are the best of friends, and this poem celebrates that.  

Day 24: DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)

DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) 
Cas Reeves 2019
She broke in two, then four, then six,
So with her shell
There was seven in her Hell.
To give words written
To past bees bitten
Seems unforgivable,
Or a narcissistic revelation of pain.
Fat caterpillars eating milkweed
And drinking pink Nesquik.
Say to 3:
It’s okay the rabbits are all eaten.
No hawk will swoop down and pull your belly out.
God will not tear you apart.
The fog of drugs,
The weight of chemicals,
Medication like a thousand sinkers
Weighing down body and brain.
To move is pain and sadness.
To live is effort and defeat.
Alone in my crowded mind
To live again?
Branded, labelled insane.
I am a broken butterfly.
No wings, no symmetry,
No dancing in the breeze.
Drugged, doped, imprisoned
Destroyed, decimated, detained by drugs.
Straitjacketed by Lithium and Seroquel.
I name my captors.
3 cries, Gun screams,
Snow reasons while Red rages
Imp is so broken she cannot dance now,
And Mumma barely breathes
I pray, God, somehow, somehow?
There isn’t time or space to explain my experience of DID (dissociative identity disorder), but this poem gathers together some of the complicated strings that make up my alters. You don’t need to understand, worry or fear. We all have sides to our personalities; mine are just more defined. I am one soul despite all this, and that soul is saved eternally by the blood of the Lamb. I am so thankful for my faith; it holds this inner circus together.

Day 18: Darkside

Cas Reeves 2004
You've got a dark side, 
And it's always there
And you're walking the line 
Between Heaven and Hell.
You're running, and you're hiding
And you're living in the dark.
So close to God
Yet warped in my soul.
Laying exposed in the dark
Mind is going crazy
And the brain is doing twirls.
Loving God and flying to his arms,
Rescue me, oh rescue me from myself.
Cannot walk and cannot talk
And cannot see the light.
So alone,
Hoping and I'm dreaming,
And I'm empty, and I'm full.
I've got a dark side
And it's beautiful and broken
But it frightens even me.
When you have a mental illness, especially one that splits your personality, you find that you are most frightened of yourself. I have DID (dissociative identity disorder) as well as Schizoaffective. I hope in the rest of this challenge to try to bring awareness of what it’s like to live with the condition that used to be called multiple personality disorder. This is very hard to share and I ask for patience and understanding.