Day 24: The Blue Notebook

What is a girl to do when she is promised and waits?

My heart is longing…..

Your own Spirit longs as I do. Hasten to the, MARRIAGE SUPPER OF THE LAMB. Send me not away……

Truly there is nothing so sweet to me as being with you.

I am a small plant, let me grow in your shadow. You are a mighty tree, let me grow in your bark. Let me be a delicate orchid and flower in your branches.

You are so mighty. I have so little I can offer you but I make pictures with words and lay them before you like a child absurdly proud of my immature sketches. I say: “Father! Father! I love you! Please notice me! I see you! I love you! Please put my pictures on your fridge.”

Revelation 19:6-9
“6 And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude, and as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of mighty thunderings, saying, Alleluia: for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.
8 And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.
9 And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.”

Day 30: Resolution

Resolution
Cas Reeves 2019
 
This time I come as me!
Though me,
Be three.
Though Snow and Red
Both share my head,
And chat away
At night in bed
Though Gun be son,
Yet we are one.
Cas, a writer now,
Brave at last somehow.
I do not lie.
I dare to try.
I write my truth,
As one,
Before the Father, Spirit, Son,
That three,
Who too,
Is one.
Thank you for those who have come on this 30 days of poetry challenge with me. This is the last poem but you are welcome to come on a new journey with me next month. I am so grateful for all the encouragement. I hope it has helped you in some way to understand mental illness. To God, be the glory, great things He has done and continues to do in my life.

Day 29: Little By Little

Little by Little
Cas Reeves 2018
 
I’d like to make music for you, Lord.
If I was a harp how I’d sing,
For you my dear Saviour
Are so much more,
Then even just God,
You’re my King.
I fell through a hole in the ground
To a lost, sad world without words
But slowly I rise to my feet,
You lift me a little,
So gentle and kind.
Somehow, I’m less lost
And not out of my mind.
I write a sentence, a page.
Not much, no manic or rage,
But perhaps what follows
Will be greater than all
The push and the drama
Before my mind’s fall.
Will my words change the world?
I don’t know,
But the fact that I’m here
Goes to show,
That little by little,
Like a retuned fiddle
My words are a song changing me.
With my heart fit to burst
I come with my thirst
And sing, I have a story set free.
“I fell through a hole in the ground to a lost, sad world without words.” This is what mental illness felt like for me, and it took a long journey to find my words again. I feel like I can write again, even on medications. I am so grateful to God for His healing and to my family and friends for their loving support. I look forward to the future and wonder what God might do with my story.

Day 28: The Circus

The Circus
Cas Reeves 2020
 
I can barely walk the path before me.
I stumble, and I fall, and then I crawl.
Like pictures torn from a yellow book,
My thoughts are dark, but still, I look.
My mind is like performance art,
A circus troop that’s full of glee
Dancing in the big top that’s me.
Where’s the clown?
I see the acrobats move faster.
The girl standing on the horse
And the ringmaster.
Nobody is selling popcorn anymore.
The monkey lost his jacket long ago.
And the little girl who’s only three
Who thinks that she is me
Rides on her Pa’s shoulders once again.
If I had everything, I’d still be poor
But I’m as rich as I can ever get
Because I live life over and over
With a little girl who can’t forget.
My mind is like performance art..… This was the poem that inspired me to do this project. It takes my dissociative identity disorder and makes, at least a part of it, into something transformative and beautiful. At the core of my illness is that little girl seeking protection and healing. Learning that God loves all of me and letting myself accept that love is a huge step towards better mental health.

Day 18: Darkside

Darkside
Cas Reeves 2004
 
You've got a dark side, 
And it's always there
And you're walking the line 
Between Heaven and Hell.
You're running, and you're hiding
And you're living in the dark.
So close to God
Yet warped in my soul.
Laying exposed in the dark
Mind is going crazy
And the brain is doing twirls.
Loving God and flying to his arms,
Rescue me, oh rescue me from myself.
Cannot walk and cannot talk
And cannot see the light.
So alone,
Hoping and I'm dreaming,
And I'm empty, and I'm full.
I've got a dark side
And it's beautiful and broken
But it frightens even me.
When you have a mental illness, especially one that splits your personality, you find that you are most frightened of yourself. I have DID (dissociative identity disorder) as well as Schizoaffective. I hope in the rest of this challenge to try to bring awareness of what it’s like to live with the condition that used to be called multiple personality disorder. This is very hard to share and I ask for patience and understanding.