Day 21: The Blue Notebook

How can I entreat you, my Lord, my love? What offering of tender desire and passion would please you? By what ordinary magic could a frail human like myself cause the all-powerful to smile?

What brings you joy?

What new song could I sing?

Give me words no other tongue has offered.

Give me grace, unmerited favour that I might bring an offering uniquely acceptable.

Perfume my prayers with the scent of your own most intimate beauty.

Let me love you. Cas

Psalms 98:1
“O sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvellous things:
his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory.”
Psalms 40:3
“And he hath put a new song in my mouth, [even] praise unto our God:
many shall see [it], and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.”
Isaiah 42:10
“Sing unto the LORD a new song, [and] his praise from the end of the earth,
ye that go down to the sea, and all that is therein; the isles, and the inhabitants thereof.”

Day 16: The Blue Notebook

I am a bride waiting…

Where oh, where is the groom? The Lamb slain from the foundation of the world? Where is the most loving Lord Jesus Christ our royal bridegroom? The saviour and redeemer of the church?

I long for the wedding day. I am nervous and wonder what we will wear?

Why do you tarry Lord? What more must be done? Please blow the trumpets in Heaven! Call a solemn assembly! Tell the angels to ready themselves! Prepare ‘the marriage supper of the Lamb’! come to the clouds! Please, please, please.

Oh that I could make my words arrows that would pierce your heart oh perfect God with such sweet, burning passion that you would gasp and grasp your heart and say: “Enough! You have captured my heart, my sister, my spouse! You have captured my heart for all eternity!”

(The truth is, I am the one whose heart has been eternally pierced. I am the captured one.)

 Revelation 19:7
“7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.”

Day 6: The Blue Notebook

Last night I had a deep talk with God, or maybe it was just an intense crying out to the Lord. Is God personal? Can we truly in all cold-hearted, clear-headed sanity, have an interactive relationship with the Holy Spirit, the Lord Jesus Christ and Father God, the great creator of the universe?

I know I will keep seeking, knocking, asking, longing, pleading, begging, for all of my life. There is a bottomless pit of need inside me. Medication can mask that to some extent, but it’s still there.

‘Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how often I would have gathered you under my wings.’

I long to be gathered under God’s wings and held in His mysterious love, safely hidden from the fearful, crumbling world. Cas  

Under His wings I am safely abiding;
  Though the night deepens and tempests are wild,
Still I can trust Him, I know He will keep me;
  He has redeemed me, and I am His child.
 
Under His wings, under His wings,
  Who from His love can sever?
Under His wings my soul shall abide,
    Safely abide forever.

Under His wings—what a refuge in sorrow!
  How the heart yearningly turns to His rest!
Often when earth has no balm for my healing,
  There I find comfort, and there I am blest.

Under His wings—oh, what precious enjoyment!
  There will I hide till life’s trials are o’er;
Sheltered, protected, no evil can harm me;
  Resting in Jesus I’m safe evermore.


by William Orcutt Crushing  (1823-1902)

Day 5: The Blue Notebook

I pray for the peace of Jerusalem. 

I need to be washed with the WORD even if I struggle to make sense of it all. I need GOD, not insanity. I want to have a relationship with God that is fulfilling and alive. Cas

I long for the RAPTURE! It is a twofold longing. I pray Jesus raptures us for LOVE, all for love. Yet, perhaps it is already too late for that because we need rescuing? The world is frightening and falling and failing. Will the Rapture happen for love? Or because the world is ripe for the great and terrible tribulation?

Either way, why ever, God finally says: “Now! Go my Son and rapture your church! It is time! Blow the trumpet! Away to the clouds!”

I can’t express how much I long and yearn and beg for that blessed day when the roll is called up yonder and we, the Bride of Christ, are with the LAMB of God at the marriage supper. Cas

Psalm 119:9 “Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way?
by taking heed thereto according to thy word.”
Psalm 122:6 “Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee.”
1 Corinthians 15:52 “In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”

Day 4: The Blue Notebook

I don’t know how to explain, or if it’s a good thing or not, but I have been having some amazing talks with God. Well, any conversation with God in this medicated life is amazing. I need God more than air. He challenges me and thrills and intrigues me. I love Him immensely. He is my everything.

Don’t ask me why but the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is in my head: “Oh Chitty, You Chitty…Chitty Chitty Bang Bang we love you…” “Truly Scrumptious, Though we may seem presumptuous…” Is the Lord my Father or my suitor? These are the questions? Cas

There is so much I don’t know about myself. Things are different post hospital on medication. I am in a new place, where once again I look forward to going to bed in the hope I will catch a glimpse of the divine. Here’s hoping. Cas

I don’t know what scares me more? That God will answer when I pray or that he won’t? Either I’m alone or insane. Is God indwelling me and communicating with me or not? Am I alone? I want God and an existential, passionate relationship with Him. I need God! But that’s the thing though, am I making it up because I want it so badly? Cas

Romans 15:13
“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.”

Day 3: The Blue Notebook

God couldn’t rapture me to Heaven to hear Uncle David play ‘How Great Thou Art’ so He brought Uncle David’s guitar to my son. Now Isaac plays that hymn so beautifully. Amazing to hear it in my home. Wonderful to see and hear dad and Isaac playing together. Cas

I don’t know if it means my medication is being less effective, but I have actually felt some connection with God. I have had some truly profound moments. I need to start writing about them instead of hiding behind endless colouring in and Netflix.

‘I need God more than air!’ This is true.

‘Don’t give me trinkets of sanity and take away my connection with you Lord!’ I did pray this. I have spent a lot of time apologising. After all, I want sanity, it’s not a trinket, and I desperately don’t want to end up in the mental ward again.

“Existential Experience!’ I want to experience my spirituality with God.

‘Us.’ I want there to be an ‘us’ with God and I. I want connection, relationship, meaning. Cas

James 4:8
8 Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you.

Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
 Psalm 73:28
28 But it is good for me to draw near to God:

I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all thy works.

2nd October: The Blue Notebook

This afternoon I listened to more of the book of Matthew. The Bible is a funny thing. It works in us on so many levels, there’s the story, the deep moments and other things that don’t make any sense. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my relationship and connection with God, but the Bible says:

Seek, and you shall find! Knock, and it will be opened unto you! Ask, and you shall receive!

Surely if I keep earnestly seeking God, He will give me some connection back? I need God more than air. I think I will just write and write until I find my way back to the majestic company of my divine Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I might be insane with spiritual longing, but that’s not all bad. “Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.” Psalm 119:2

“Alice doesn’t have to chase the white rabbit to still want to explore wonderland.” Cas

Matthew 7:7-9
“7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”