Sharing from my many shelves of journals. The mostly biographical poetry and writing of an Australian Christian woman living with schizoaffective disorder.
I'm a 44 Christian married mother of two young adults who I had the honour of homeschooling for 12 years. My husband Rodney and I live in Brisbane Australia. I am creating this space to share, as God leads, some of my writing and experiences living with schizoaffective disorder and other comorbidities.
Yesterday I had a time of feeling so close to God. It felt like I was laying in His arms, safe from all the universe and time and space itself. It was the most beautiful moment since I have been on medication. I know I need to be careful and live in the ordinary now and relax and stay mentally well.
I shall keep listening to the Bible and praying and seeking and trying to be patient and content. To love God calmly is a challenge. I keep pushing: running like it’s a desperate sprint to the finish line, a fierce competition to win the hand of the King.
“Only one life to offer, Jesus my Lord and King. Only one heart to offer and of his praises sing.”
Will I be able to continue to write you letters in Heaven Lord? Will I still be able to have a personal, one on one, intimate relationship with you? I worry I will be lost in the crowd and never alone with you again. I would sacrifice all of Heaven to be alone with you awhile. It is you I love, not the safety or pleasure of the rescue. Yes, I long for the Rapture, but I long for you more.
Please at least let me have pen and paper so I may continue to write long love letters to you until after the tribulation and Christ’s return. Then maybe in the 1000 year millennium reign if you have time we could meet up for coffee? Cas
Lord, perhaps when we reach Heaven, I will realise it was unnecessary to ask. I will find all my longings were ‘silly little girl’ dreams. There is a very real chance that when I actually see you, face to face, I will be terrified. I may be so in awe that I will never ask such presumptuous things again. But I feel it would be a shame not to ask now. From this distance, while I feel brave enough. Just on the off chance that my words and longings might please, or flatter, or amuse you. That I might in some way, give you pleasure.
I don’t know if I will get to write you letters in Heaven? I’m unsure if it is a sin to seek to know you as I do now? Maybe in Heaven, such familiarity will be impossible? Cas
Please LORD accept my passionate, undying admiration. You are the most mysterious, delicious being in all the universe. I long to be your friend. I want to discover your secrets. Who are you when no angels or humans clutter your view? Are you always thinking like a king, or are you sometimes just a man who happens to be God?
Before the creation of Heaven and earth who were you then? I know you are the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, and you are all that’s in between, but before the Alpha and after the Omega, in that brief eternity alone, who were you then? For it is you without all your creation that I long to comfort. Cas
I long to love you always, so I ask to love you now.
God and I before the world began, by faith, I love Him then. Cas
“How can I reach you, Lord? How can I entreat you? As a daughter to a father, I implore you! As a bride to her groom, I beg you! As a creation to her creator, I shake my head in fear and confusion and say: “Ahah, Ahah! Surely now he will have mercy!” I twist my insides about, hoping the answer will pop out. Please have mercy.
I had some deep moments with God the other night, almost too deep, and then last night my prayers wouldn’t float above my pillow. Nothing! When things with God feel deep and real, I worry I am mentally unwell. Then when there’s nothing, I struggle to feel that life has any meaning at all. The question of how personal does God desire to be with us is one I keep coming back to. Cas
‘I have nothing peculiarly to recommend me but this, I dare to ask, and I dare to believe.’ Please indulge me Lord and allow me to know you better. Cas
Last night I had a deep talk with God, or maybe it was just an intense crying out to the Lord. Is God personal? Can we truly in all cold-hearted, clear-headed sanity, have an interactive relationship with the Holy Spirit, the Lord Jesus Christ and Father God, the great creator of the universe?
I know I will keep seeking, knocking, asking, longing, pleading, begging, for all of my life. There is a bottomless pit of need inside me. Medication can mask that to some extent, but it’s still there.
‘Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how often I would have gathered you under my wings.’
I long to be gathered under God’s wings and held in His mysterious love, safely hidden from the fearful, crumbling world. Cas
I need to be washed with the WORD even if I struggle to make sense of it all. I need GOD, not insanity. I want to have a relationship with God that is fulfilling and alive. Cas
I long for the RAPTURE! It is a twofold longing. I pray Jesus raptures us for LOVE, all for love. Yet, perhaps it is already too late for that because we need rescuing? The world is frightening and falling and failing. Will the Rapture happen for love? Or because the world is ripe for the great and terrible tribulation?
Either way, why ever, God finally says: “Now! Go my Son and rapture your church! It is time! Blow the trumpet! Away to the clouds!”
I can’t express how much I long and yearn and beg for that blessed day when the roll is called up yonder and we, the Bride of Christ, are with the LAMB of God at the marriage supper. Cas
I don’t know how to explain, or if it’s a good thing or not, but I have been having some amazing talks with God. Well, any conversation with God in this medicated life is amazing. I need God more than air. He challenges me and thrills and intrigues me. I love Him immensely. He is my everything.
Don’t ask me why but the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is in my head: “Oh Chitty, You Chitty…Chitty Chitty Bang Bang we love you…” “Truly Scrumptious, Though we may seem presumptuous…” Is the Lord my Father or my suitor? These are the questions? Cas
There is so much I don’t know about myself. Things are different post hospital on medication. I am in a new place, where once again I look forward to going to bed in the hope I will catch a glimpse of the divine. Here’s hoping. Cas
I don’t know what scares me more? That God will answer when I pray or that he won’t? Either I’m alone or insane. Is God indwelling me and communicating with me or not? Am I alone? I want God and an existential, passionate relationship with Him. I need God! But that’s the thing though, am I making it up because I want it so badly? Cas
God couldn’t rapture me to Heaven to hear Uncle David play ‘How Great Thou Art’ so He brought Uncle David’s guitar to my son. Now Isaac plays that hymn so beautifully. Amazing to hear it in my home. Wonderful to see and hear dad and Isaac playing together. Cas
I don’t know if it means my medication is being less effective, but I have actually felt some connection with God. I have had some truly profound moments. I need to start writing about them instead of hiding behind endless colouring in and Netflix.
‘I need God more than air!’ This is true.
‘Don’t give me trinkets of sanity and take away my connection with you Lord!’ I did pray this. I have spent a lot of time apologising. After all, I want sanity, it’s not a trinket, and I desperately don’t want to end up in the mental ward again.
“Existential Experience!’ I want to experience my spirituality with God.
‘Us.’ I want there to be an ‘us’ with God and I. I want connection, relationship, meaning. Cas
This afternoon I listened to more of the book of Matthew. The Bible is a funny thing. It works in us on so many levels, there’s the story, the deep moments and other things that don’t make any sense. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my relationship and connection with God, but the Bible says:
Seek, and you shall find! Knock, and it will be opened unto you! Ask, and you shall receive!
Surely if I keep earnestly seeking God, He will give me some connection back? I need God more than air. I think I will just write and write until I find my way back to the majestic company of my divine Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I might be insane with spiritual longing, but that’s not all bad. “Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.” Psalm 119:2
“Alice doesn’t have to chase the white rabbit to still want to explore wonderland.” Cas