Day 21: The Blue Notebook

How can I entreat you, my Lord, my love? What offering of tender desire and passion would please you? By what ordinary magic could a frail human like myself cause the all-powerful to smile?

What brings you joy?

What new song could I sing?

Give me words no other tongue has offered.

Give me grace, unmerited favour that I might bring an offering uniquely acceptable.

Perfume my prayers with the scent of your own most intimate beauty.

Let me love you. Cas

Psalms 98:1
“O sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvellous things:
his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory.”
Psalms 40:3
“And he hath put a new song in my mouth, [even] praise unto our God:
many shall see [it], and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.”
Isaiah 42:10
“Sing unto the LORD a new song, [and] his praise from the end of the earth,
ye that go down to the sea, and all that is therein; the isles, and the inhabitants thereof.”

Day 20: The Blue Notebook

I would find a thousand sisters to stand with me, and we would cry out to you night and day, begging for your return, longing for the Rapture, desperate to please you.

Only one life to offer, I offer it!

“Oh, for a thousand tounges to sing my great redeemers praise.”

I have but one tongue, but with it, I shall offer more love than a thousand could.

The pen is mightier then the sword, I take it like a dagger and plunge it into my own heart thereby to pierce yours, my Father, my brother, my KING, my friend.

“A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.” Romeo & Juliet

Song of Solomon 8:6&7
“Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.”

Day 19: The Blue Notebook

I take my few coins of sanity and desire to spend them recklessly over and over again. Investing everything I have in the possibility of drawing closer to God. Cas

Dear Heavenly Father, Oh great Jehovah God, in the name of the LORD Jesus Christ my Saviour and by the power of the Indwelling Scared Holy Spirit, I come to you again, writing my words like small birds offered on paper. Each bird flying from my mind to your mind, hear me, oh patient friend, please hear me.

I search for your face among the crowd in my mind. Longing to glimpse your elusive features in the memories that are torn from me by medication and I battle to reclaim. Noble King of kings, how do I find you?

I tear my heart out and offer it bleeding in my hands as an offering.

I would dress in white and wander through ages past and present and into the future calling: “Ahah, Ahah! My love, my LORD! Alas, I am alone. Find me, take me to your home. Save me! Love me! I am your redeemed.” Cas

Isaiah 51:11
“Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away.”

Day 18: The Blue Notebook

I want to crawl into your arms and cry a little. Please forgive me for not staying in the pasture. You are my shepherd. I am the sheep who follows you home at night instead of staying safely in the fold. I have escaped and stand by your door and belt incessantly, waking you.

You take me back to the fold, but I find no rest. I wandered through my souls dark night, past dragons and wolves and angels and demons seeking the door to your home. 

I cannot bear to be apart from you, my Shepherd King. Please open the door and let me lay warm beside the hearth fire of your own room. Let me live closer than your skin. Allow me to know the secret scent of your inner chambers.

Do not ask me to stop seeking you. Cas  

Psalm 23
“1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:

for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:

thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

Day 17: The Blue Notebook

Adonai, I would make you a perfume of my own heart. I would turn it velvet, rose, rubies and musk. I would ground my own soul, burnt with fire, to make some sweet ash. The aromatic incense I would offer before your throne and with it a new song, all my love in the sweetest melodies.

Please accept my offering and draw me closer into your secret, hidden, soul, deep inside your infinite loveliness and vast perfection. Cas

She went to God in her secret heart,
And shared with God her secret parts.
She drew her bow and shot secret darts
And longed to pierce God’s secret heart.

When God she found, she fell in fear,
For God is frightening if you come too near.
Instead of arrows he uses a spear
And he pierced her heart through her soul full clear.
Psalm 141:2
“Let my prayer be set forth before thee as incense;
and the lifting up of my hands as the evening sacrifice.”

Day 16: The Blue Notebook

I am a bride waiting…

Where oh, where is the groom? The Lamb slain from the foundation of the world? Where is the most loving Lord Jesus Christ our royal bridegroom? The saviour and redeemer of the church?

I long for the wedding day. I am nervous and wonder what we will wear?

Why do you tarry Lord? What more must be done? Please blow the trumpets in Heaven! Call a solemn assembly! Tell the angels to ready themselves! Prepare ‘the marriage supper of the Lamb’! come to the clouds! Please, please, please.

Oh that I could make my words arrows that would pierce your heart oh perfect God with such sweet, burning passion that you would gasp and grasp your heart and say: “Enough! You have captured my heart, my sister, my spouse! You have captured my heart for all eternity!”

(The truth is, I am the one whose heart has been eternally pierced. I am the captured one.)

 Revelation 19:7
“7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.”

Day 15: The Blue Notebook

It is as though the world is a popcorn kernel in an ever heating pan of oil and any day now, pop! The signs are so plentiful it’s overwhelming. Please hold my frightened heart in your mighty hand Lord. Cas

There’s terrible emptiness inside me. When I feel you very close, it is filled. I long to have it filled all the time.

Why do I still feel the need to seek if I have found? Why is my heart still knocking if you have opened to me, Lord? 

Why am I still asking, if I am truly receiving, all the fulness that is my portion? If I am, please increase my portion.

I seek to besiege the very heart of God. Oh, mighty God of all, I love you. Cas

 Psalms 73:26
“My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart,

and my portion for ever.”

 

Day 14: The Blue Notebook

It’s hard to know what you desire of us? I try to obey your commands and do the ordinary things. I try to pray ordinary prayers, but my heart yearns to make extraordinary promises. I would vow vows and rend my heart in two. Somehow turn my blood into ruby stone and offer it as red fruit to your perfect lips.

‘Oh, soul of my soul’ it cries out in hope and longing, gasping for divine air, grasping at distant possibilities of passion. ‘Love, my love! No one need ever know how much I love you, just please, I beg you, let me love you with all my desperate throbbing heart. Please do not turn me away.

May the offering of my heart be acceptable in your eyes. May angels step aside to let my love through to you. May your Holy Spirit scent Heaven with the perfume of my peculiar love for you.’ Cas

Joel 2:13-15
“13 And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the Lord your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil.
14 Who knoweth if he will return and repent, and leave a blessing behind him; even a meat offering and a drink offering unto the Lord your God?
15 Blow the trumpet in Zion, sanctify a fast, call a solemn assembly:”
Psalm 19:14
“14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight,

O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.”

Day 13: The Blue Notebook

I would create a home for you, Lord. I am just one woman, but I would make a beautiful place for you if I could. I would surround you with comfort and warmth. Shower you with love. Prepare delicious food. Invite friends and family, the elderly and children. Fill the rooms with laughter and music. There would always be fresh flowers and clean, soft sheets. I would give you the joy of simple human context. Ordinary wonders, like hugs and kisses. I would tell you stories by an open fire late into the night. I would lay by your side in the dark and let you rest. I would light one candle and gaze at your face in its light. For you, Oh Lord, I would give all I could to make you feel loved. Cas


My favourite Bible passage.
John 14:1-4
“14 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
2 In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
4 And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.”

Day 12: The Blue Notebook

I long to be close to you Lord. I grasp at straws longing to gain your attention, hoping to hit a nerve with you and inspire a response. I take off my metaphorical shoe and bang against the door of Heaven, crying out:

“Ahah! Ahah! Open your heart to me, Oh mighty God divine!”

I whisper in the keyhole “I love you. I love you. Hear me and answer my beloved.” Cas

Can I love you too much? Is it possible to love you enough that it shakes Heaven?

I would do as it says in ‘Twelfth Night’ and build a willow cabin at your gate. I would sing out through day and night praises to your loveliness. Perhaps I will find a way. I will beg and plead and refuse to leave until you open to me your heart.

Would such a thing bring you joy and pleasure, or would it merely frustrate and annoy you? Cas

I catch a glimpse of you… You are so wonderful…

Even if I cannot have more of you, I long to give you more of me. Cas

Revelation 4:11
“Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.”