Sharing from my many shelves of journals. The mostly biographical poetry and writing of an Australian Christian woman living with schizoaffective disorder.
Author: cherylcasreeves
I'm a 46 year old Christian married mother of two young adults who I had the honour of homeschooling for 12 years. My husband Rodney and I live in Brisbane Australia. I am creating this space to share, as God leads, some of my writing and experiences living with schizoaffective disorder and pursuing a deeper healing relationship with God.
God opens wide
The closed door.
He answers prayer
And gives us more.
Though we may fall
And fail and faint,
God’s ever there,
He’ll patiently wait.
When days have passed
And we collapse,
When all our plans
Have lost their grasp,
When at our end
We kneel and pray,
God gently welcomes
The words we say.
He understands
Beneath our sobs,
The way life hurts,
How pain robs,
And he, with healing
In His wings,
Soothes aching hearts
With love He brings
So travellers all,
Though you will stumble,
And prayers are naught
But a tearful mumble,
God is gentle,
Faithful and true.
Bring all your brokenness,
He’ll welcome you.
By Cas Reeves 3/7/2021
The impossibility of ever having anything to say that could conceivably match how beautiful God feels in my heart makes me pause. The sunlight itself is like sweet music from Heaven, light shining like warm love.
James 1:17-18 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. Of his own will begat he us with the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures.”
The cross, a greater gift of love then I could ever deserve. Please forgive my sins by your blood and grant me eternal life with you, LORD most high. Cas
Life needs to stay simple if I am to stay sane.
Lord, the white rabbit in my head sits calm and says: You are not late.
I relax, wonderland is just a dream I can leave anytime.
I am not defined by wonderland.
I am not defined by mental illness.
Despite my mental illness, I can connect with God.
I can, I write, I feel. Thank you Lord. Cas
1 John 4:7-19 “7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. 10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. 12 No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. 13 Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the world. 15 Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God. 16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. 17 Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. 19 We love him, because he first loved us.”
Most excellent LORD of HOSTS I bow my heart and head and cry out “HOLY, HOLY, HOLY! LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, which was and is and is to come. Holy is your name and you, oh mighty one, are worthy of all praise and honour. Cas
I would lull myself into a trance and therein whisper sweet words of love and conjure such passionate loveliness as to enchant the Alpha and Omega, the great God who is the Beginning and the End and all that was and is to come.
If only I was young and beautiful, I wish that I could dance before you my LORD and ravish your heart with my love. Cas
Song of Solomon 4:9 “Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.” Revelation 4:8 “And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.”
I am weak and lack courage. Please Father God save us from the wrath to come. Extend us grace. Rapture us before the mega storm hits, that even now is brewing in the world.
The clouds against the blue sky make me think of you and long for your return. Cas
Oh blessed indwelling Holy Spirit I open to you every room in my heart. I give you all my keys.
Please let my love for the KING be a sweet scent to His senses. Let the perfume of God’s skin woo my heart. Let His scent drift down from Heaven to me.
If only my longing could inspire equal longing. Oh, to awaken a force greater than my own passion! (A dangerous thought. Perhaps not wise but I long for Him.) Cas
Revelation 3:20 “20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”
I’m feeling a little lost. I’m searching for something in my relationship with God. I always thought it was possible but today I am not sure. It’s so much harder on medication.
At least I can search again. For so long the medication made it impossible to even look. Cas
How do I write words capable of entreating a King? Cas
Psalm 45:1 “My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer.”
It’s a compulsion to come. Perhaps it is insanity, but it’s more real and beautiful than all the world. Cas
I am a deer panting after the living water; please quench my thirst. Cas
Lord, is all my religious fervour a symptom of my mental illness? Do I matter to you? Do you read my prayers?
Heavenly Father, find me. Please find me in the night time of my soul and hold me in your arms. Reassure me that there is hope and I am not alone.
A little faith is all I have. Forgive my impatience, please. Cas
Hebrews 13:5 “Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.”
I wish I could find a way to pump your own exquisite Holy Spirit into the very ink upon this page. I would that the Great High Priest, the LORD JESUS CHRIST, would personally offer my words to you oh Great JE-HO’-VAH!
“Awake my love! Awake and hear what the Spirit says! What the Son says! She loves You. She loves You with all her broken humanity. Smell the sweet scent of her adoration.” Cas
The crowds were in the streets that day when Jesus came To town All the synagogue was there and more from miles around So I asked him home to dinner just to see what I could See Of this famous local prophet from here in Galilee And I don’t know just how that woman got into the room But you couldn’t miss her gaudy clothes and her strong And sweet perfume. She went straight to Jesus’ feet and stopped and stood Right there Then cried and wet His feet with tears and dried them With her hair. Now of all the women in my town none was more well Known For the flagrant sin she’d lived in and the wickedness She’d sown. But He didn’t move to stop her — seemed this phophet Couldn’t tell That the woman who was touching Him was the kind they Buy and sell. And I had no idea just what this Jesus planned to do When he said “Simon, there’s something I need to say to You.” So I said “Teacher, if it’s on your mind then tell me What you will.” But as He began to speak to me the room grew quickly Still He said “Take a good look at this woman now, in spite Of all her fears She’s kissed me and anointed me and washed my feet with Tears. She’s honored me and you’ve been only rude to me Instead. You gave no kiss of greeting, no anointing for my Head.” And her sins were red as scarlet and now they’re washed Away. The love and faith she’s shown is all the price she has To pay For the depth of God’s forgiveness, it’s more than you Can see And in spite of what you think of her, she’s beautiful To me Now my anger flamed to hatred, I wanted nothing more Than to take this prophet by the throat and throw Him Out the door To act like God, forgiving sins, and then speak so to Me. This itinerant from Nazareth in backwards Galilee. But instead I sat and trembled, shaken to the core The woman still was weeping as she knelt there on the Floor Jesus turned to her and said, “Your chains have been Released Your faith has saved you from your sins, rise — walk In peace.” Your sins were red as scarlet but now they’re washed Away. The love and faith you’ve shown is all the price you Have to pay For the depth of God’s forgiveness, it’s deeper than The sea And no matter what the world may think, you’re Beautiful to me.
I try to see myself as a woman before you. I am 39 but it’s hard. I would offer you my heart that still feels young. My young heart laughing and full of art and colour, a sparkling fountain of endless possibility and frighteningly submissive tendencies.
I would kneel before you. I would sit at your feet. I worship you. I long as no one but a woman, truly, desperately in love can long. Be not far from me but incline your ear to me Lord, I beg you. Cas
If you were a loin, I would be a lioness. If you hear me roar in the night, come to me. Cas
Psalm 96:9-11 “9 O worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness: fear before him, all the earth. 10 Say among the heathen that the Lord reigneth: the world also shall be established that it shall not be moved: he shall judge the people righteously. 11 Let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad; let the sea roar, and the fulness thereof.”
What is a girl to do when she is promised and waits?
My heart is longing…..
Your own Spirit longs as I do. Hasten to the, MARRIAGE SUPPER OF THE LAMB. Send me not away……
Truly there is nothing so sweet to me as being with you.
I am a small plant, let me grow in your shadow. You are a mighty tree, let me grow in your bark. Let me be a delicate orchid and flower in your branches.
You are so mighty. I have so little I can offer you but I make pictures with words and lay them before you like a child absurdly proud of my immature sketches. I say: “Father! Father! I love you! Please notice me! I see you! I love you! Please put my pictures on your fridge.”
Revelation 19:6-9 “6 And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude, and as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of mighty thunderings, saying, Alleluia: for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth. 7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. 8 And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints. 9 And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.”
I have a theory that the words and love I can offer now in my broken and imperfect humanity are of great value. The offering I make here stands eternal, a testament to my true love for you. So I build up my treasure in Heaven that I may even then have a crown to lay continually at your perfect feet. Teach me, oh Lord to increase your favour.
I beg of you eyesalve so I may see as you would have me see. Cleanse me and purify me and clothe me in white raiment, make me a pleasing offering. I am not lukewarm! I burn for you! I boil! I am steam, and there is fire in my eyes and hair.
Look upon me Oh LORD my GOD and soften your heart towards me. Knock upon my door and I will open all my heart, and life, wide to you. You alone are my heart’s desire and I long to worship you. Cas
Matthew 6:19-21 “19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: 20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: 21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”
Cheryl Reeves Writing - from my shelves of journals 