Day 11: Silently

Silently
Cas Reeves 1992
 
Silently:
I scream
I cry
I am obsessed.
I am possessed,
By what?
Who can tell?
I feel so sad
My heart’s gone bad.
My mind’s a mess,
My life is less.
Nothing’s real
I cannot feel.
Look around my head
Through the window
Of my words.
Faces changing
Faces moving,
Looking in
Looking out,
Weird and warped
Turned and twisted
Horrible and haunted.
Faces glowing,
Features showing,
Secrets hidden,
Nightmares past.
The faces bold
The faces hold
My very soul.
People who see me,
People who know me,
Think that I am happy.
I have learnt to smile
When inside
I am slowly destroyed.
I scream:
Silently.
 
This has been the hardest poem to include so far. I wrote it at 16. The pain I feel when I look back and realise I was mentally ill all along is so frustrating. What could I have achieved if I had of been diagnosed and treated earlier? Years of trying to be a “good” Christian, seeing my symptoms as my inherent sinfulness, suffering silently, could have been avoided. If you know someone who might be mentally ill help them to seek treatment, don’t just dismissively say you’ll pray for them.

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