Sharing from my many shelves of journals. The mostly biographical poetry and writing of an Australian Christian woman living with schizoaffective disorder.
Silently
Cas Reeves 1992
Silently:
I scream
I cry
I am obsessed.
I am possessed,
By what?
Who can tell?
I feel so sad
My heart’s gone bad.
My mind’s a mess,
My life is less.
Nothing’s real
I cannot feel.
Look around my head
Through the window
Of my words.
Faces changing
Faces moving,
Looking in
Looking out,
Weird and warped
Turned and twisted
Horrible and haunted.
Faces glowing,
Features showing,
Secrets hidden,
Nightmares past.
The faces bold
The faces hold
My very soul.
People who see me,
People who know me,
Think that I am happy.
I have learnt to smile
When inside
I am slowly destroyed.
I scream:
Silently.
This has been the hardest poem to include so far. I wrote it at 16. The pain I feel when I look back and realise I was mentally ill all along is so frustrating. What could I have achieved if I had of been diagnosed and treated earlier? Years of trying to be a “good” Christian, seeing my symptoms as my inherent sinfulness, suffering silently, could have been avoided. If you know someone who might be mentally ill help them to seek treatment, don’t just dismissively say you’ll pray for them.
I'm a 46 year old Christian married mother of two young adults who I had the honour of homeschooling for 12 years. My husband Rodney and I live in Brisbane Australia. I am creating this space to share, as God leads, some of my writing and experiences living with schizoaffective disorder and pursuing a deeper healing relationship with God.
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Cheryl Reeves Writing - from my shelves of journals 